Week 5 (almost)

It's amazing how much things change in a week. My insomnia is starting to get better, although it's still difficult to fall asleep and if anything wakes me up I'm up for good, but I no longer wake up repeatedly all night (except to pee). This nagging exhaustion has started to settle over me. I haven't given up coffee completely, I still have my morning cup, however I may have to. I've been totally demonized on the message boards about it and also it's too hard to stop at one cup. Everytime I get tired I want another cup. I sort of expected to not want coffee anymore once the hormones started settling in, but if anything I crave it more now.

Also, yesterday I woke up seriously needing tomato sauce. I didn't know cravings would be like that. It was like I needed tomato sauce. now. for breakfast. So weird, my salivery glads were working overtime-- it was like I could already taste it on my tongue. I actually got out of bed and walked to Gene's deli to get some real tomato marinara. and then I ate the whole jar.

I also went to Borders to get some books. It was so much fun to bring a stack of them to the counter and the cashier was like, "I'm sensing a theme here..." and I laughed and she said, "well in that case congratulations!" It was so neat. However soon after that I went to the thrift store to get some throw-away sweat pants (since I'm SO insanely bloated I can barely breathe and my ob says I can't take diuretics or midol or anything else to help) while I was shopping that Shania Twain song "you're still the one" came on and I just started sobbing. I still have no idea why. I don't even like that song. But just thinking about it makes me start crying again. It doesn't have any significance in my life. There's nothing particularly meaningful about it. And there I was. At first I was able to conceal it then it quickly got out of control and I was full on sobbing. I had to leave the store I was so embarrassed but I couldn't control myself, the tears kept coming.

I feel like I don't even own my body anymore. I have these crying jags and these cravings, this horrible nausea. After we'd been trying a few months to have a baby I had a total breakdown and was like, "I feel like I can't control my own body, I can't make it do what I want." Now I'm having that same feeling. We don't own these bodies, we just live in them for a while. Which makes sense I guess, but it's so hard when you have to acknowledge that.

I had brunch with Lance and Carissa over the weekend. It was weird because I haven't told them yet and I haven't exactly figured out how. They've been trying to have a baby for so long. 7 years. I almost feel like a traitor to have one before them. I know it's dishonest to keep it from them, but I need more time to feel the situation out.

I went to my mom's Bach concert on sunday. I kept getting so nauseous in the middle of it I was afraid I'd have to run to the bathroom. Afterwards she tried to buy me a beer and I had to beg off, she was shocked. "Since when do you turn down beer?!" she said. I really wanted to tell her, and really I have no problem with sharing this with her, but I know she'll tell dad. And while I have no problem with dad knowing I know that it would only be a matter of time until he tells the boys and then "word gets around." I'm still really hurt by my brothers' reactions to my engagement and I want this to be my news to tell, not something that "gets around."

Anyway, by far the best part about being pregnant is the raise in my body temperature. So amazing. I'm never freezing anymore! I even sweat sometimes! It feels so good to not need 3 quilts to be able to make it through the night without shivering.

I'm in the process from switching from an Ob to a Midwife (CNM). I already have been emailing the group at swedish covenent hospital. They sound amazing, so friendly and nice! I think I'd like to try a water birth... honestly I'm trying to not think about birth too much. too terrifying!