so I picked up the progesterone today. $598 for 30 suppositories. Insane. Thank god we have insurance which took a nice bite out of it. I felt like a CIA operative carrying that bag out. All I kept thinking about was "what do people do who don't have insurance? Just hang on and hope they don't bleed out their baby?" How awful.
I've decided we're not going to lose the baby.
For a long time I said I didn't want kids, that we weren't ready, because I was protecting myself from the fact that I knew it was going to be hard. It was easier to not try, to let it go, to be a fun auntie and the free friend rather than manage my hormones and check my TSH and organize sex on the calender. When you deal with heartbreak after heartbreak and difficuly after difficulty it comes to define you-- this obscure "something wrong" that your doctors all postulate different reasons for and run different tests. You think of yourself as "flawed" and that begins to define you. You think, "I would rather not try than go through this again." And so you begin to imagine your life without kids. And you find ways to comfort yourself and this sense of making the best of things becomes a part of your personality. You get used to the drama, you take it in, and you even stop thinking about it all the time...
I almost feel like this spotting is the same thing. I can't accept the fact that we made it; it can't be this easy. There has to be something wrong. The drama is expected beacause that defines my experience thus far. It can't be easy. We have to earn it, right? I have to be afraid and put myself on the line. I have to get down on my knees and make deals with god because that's expected. When it all starts going south I can just comfort myself and say, "we weren't really ready to have kids anyway..."
Not anymore. I'm not afraid or embarassed to admit that I want this baby. I'm choosing to be positive, acknowledge what we're working for, and confirm that we want it. That I want it. From now on, I'm going to be positive. I'm not going to cry every day because I'm bleeding, I'm not going to be afraid. This is our baby, and I'm going to meet her in May.
Impatiently WaitingSeptember 30, 2010 at 11:59 AM
I think this is a beautiful post. I agree that it's very personal for you, but I know that simply because I'm married to you and know how we've struggled. As much as you know I've wanted a baby since I was one, and being with each other every step of the way and witnessing the struggle you had with your identity, I'm also able to remove myself from the situation as a reader and see the joy in your post. I think it would be a shame to not share this with everyone, even as personal as it is primarily because...well, this is a personal blog. It's where we get to put down our personal thoughts, fears, and emotional breakthroughs. As little control as we have over this whole process, maybe embracing this new you, this person who's not afraid of being happy, maybe we have to let go of how we want to tell everyone. If people want to snoop and make things awkward for us and force us to change our plans, well.....we can't control that. We can be upset, or think it's horribly self-centered, but why should we let it censor our personal lives? What, we're going to set up a private one noone can read? This is a journal of our personal journey (and struggle) through this process. If people want to attempt to understand this, and many, many people won't, let them try. This post is beautiful, it's very personal, and it let's the world how much we want this. Don't delete it...not yet.
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