oh man, what a bad weekend. it started on friday when I woke up feeling great. Now ordinarily that would be a good thing, but when you're newly pregnant you don't have a lot to go on to assume everything is going accord to plan inside of you. So you kind of gauge how pregnant you are based on how awful you feel and how many "symptoms" you have (i know, this is an incredibly stupid system, more on that later though).
So when I woke up on friday and did a quick inventory I felt a little nervous because 1. I wasn't at all nauseated 2. my boobs didn't hurt at all and I was even able to put on a bra without wincing and 3. I put on my old jeans no problem, no bloating muffin top issues at all. All day I kept expecting to get sick or nauseous or something, but nada. Saturday same thing. Saturday afternoon O realized I felt stressed and sent me out shopping while he cleaned the apartment (I know, he's unreal). I had a great afternoon, everything went fine, then I came home and went to the bathroom and realized I was "spotting". Cue freakout. I can't even really explain what happened, I basically started crying and freaking out. I called Arliss sobbing and she immediately rushed over with some pee stick pregnancy tests to make sure I was still pregnant (only a great friend will rush over with pregnancy tests on a saturday night) and I spent the rest of the weekend crying and making deals with god.
Here's what's funny about this whole thing. O and I had a long talk last week about how I'm just going to take this pregnancy thing one day at a time. I was very zen about the whole thing, I said if I lose it, there's nothing they can do at 6 weeks anyway so I should just be grateful for every day I get. I said I didn't want a million ultasounds showing a blob on a blank screen, I was going to be rational and wait and be hopeful. My ObGyn considers me "high risk" because I've got hypothyroidism and I've had chemical pregnancies, and I'm very overweight. She wanted to do a "dating" ultrasound at 6 weeks (even though I know when I had my last period) and then do (what O and I considered) an excessive amount of ultrasounds and bloodwork. My last TSH draw showed that my thyroid hormone was at .9 (that's right, POINT9, not even 1) which is great. but because of previous bloodwork and other things I've talked to her about including a family history of Hashimoto's (which I didn't end up getting tested for because I got pregnant) she wanted to "play it safe".
ANYWAY, all of this medical stuff is stupid and boring. What it comes down to is that I really wasn't feeling a highly monitored pregnancy which is why we switched to a midwife.
Of course all of that was fine when everything was going great. Wanna guess what the first thing I wanted when I started spotting was? Oh yeah, a highly monitored pregnancy.
I decided if I wasn't spotting on sunday I'd just call it a weird lark, maybe delayed implantation spotting and leave it at that. Then, on sunday we went over to my parents house for rachael and joe's birthdays and it started up again. with some bad cramps. and I got all freaked out again. Made worse by the fact that we haven't told my family yet and everyone kept saying I looked "tired.
So of course first thing on monday I called my 'ol ObGyn. Who didn't flinch when I started crying while she was giving me a pelvic exam. She ordered some blood tests and an ultrasound but said that my cervix was tightly closed and the bleeding was minimal. No sign of an impending miscarriage.
sigh of relief.
That's the thing about pregnancy. It's like you develop 2 different brains. You have your very rational adult brain that says things like, "one cup of coffee a day is not going to kill your fetus" and "exercise is good for you while pregnant" and "that's totally normal! you read about it in the pregnancy books, remember?" but then you also have this hormonal, irrational pregnant woman brain that says things like "cramping? oh yeah definitely having a miscarriage" and "why would you trade the life of your unborn child for a cold cut sandwich and a cup of coffee?" It sounds crazy to an outsider I know, and believe me, I'm normally pretty laid back about most things. But I've never seen my husband so happy, and we worked so hard for this baby... I almost feel like I can't do anything right. I'm afraid to move, I'm afraid to eat or drink anything. I terrified all the time that this is going to get taken away from us again.
So yeah, I know you're probably reading this and think I sound like a maniac, and I know I do. But I can't help it and I can only blame so much of it on the hormones...
on to week six
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