4 weeks

So, today my period is due. I keep checking and checking expecting it to arrive but nothing. I'm having these really weird cramps off and on. They sorta feel like period cramps. It's making me nervous...

We decided that we're going to really try and make it out of the first trimester without telling anyone. I guess that's sort of the reason I'm keeping this blog-- in case you're curious what kind of neurosis you missed out on the first 12 weeks. Believe me, in the long run you'll probably be happy you didn't have to hear all this. I know I'm not going to make it, I plan on telling my girlfriends as soon as I have my first prenatal appointment. My doc said she wants to do an ultrasound to verify gestational age at about 6 weeks or 1500hcg so you better believe I'm telling Arliss, Sara, Carissa, and Marge after that. so really, I only have 2 more weeks to keep it in. O is determined to make it to Thanksgiving before telling his family. I think he underestimates how hard it's going to be. He's going to KY to visit his mom and grandparents this weekend, his mom is coming to visit us in october. I don't know. Mainly I think we're both just dyyyyyyyiiiiiiinnnnngggg. I am going to try and make it to Nov 20th (the weekend before we leave for KY for Tday) before telling my family, but we have a wine auction and a big wedding coming up and it's going to look pretty weird when I'm not drinking. Honestly, I may let it slip on Halloween.

Luckily for me I'm comfortable talking to strangers so I've told a whole bunch of people I don't even know already-- the drink maker at Starbucks, the cashier at Target, some women in the dressing room at Marshall's, a few moms at the park, oh yeah and about a bajillion preggers on my internet message board. It helps ease the strain every time I feel like calling my mom and asking about cramps or morning sickness or boob size. Speaking of, I hate to sound course here, but my boobs are out of control. I'm only 4 weeks and these suckers are HUGE. O and I are just flabbergasted. If it goes on like this, I won't be able to wear my bras after the weekend. This is insane!

It's amazing how fast instict kicks in. I just can't get over the fact that there's a person growing inside of me right now. Even when I'm not thinking about it, even when I'm asleep, there's a person growing. In another week there'll be another heart beating inside my body. It just blows my mind. O and I were talking in bed last night and I was talking about how even though it doesn't feel exactly "real" yet, it's still all I can think about. When I was walking home last night a racoon ran in front of me and before I could even realize I was thinking it I immediately thought, don't bite me I'm pregnant! I know it sounds stupid. I mean, I'm barely pregnant at all-- ten years ago and before all this technology I wouldn't even know yet. But here I am, constantly thinking about what O and I would be like as parents.

That's the big thing I didn't expect, I feel like I'm already mourning our old life. We will have been married for nearly three years when this baby arrives, together for more than five years. And it's always just been the two of us. About a month ago I wrote this blog about our bohemian lifestyle and how fast things change, all the crazy things we do. What will we be like as parents? How are we going to do all the crazy adventures we used to do. I know parenthood is in itself a new adventure, but I'm still feeling a little lost. The friday before we found out we went to Movie in the Park night to watch Up (that pixar movie) and I guess that's how I always imagined me and O-- getting old together, just the two of us. I like being the fun wacky aunt, and the up-for-anything friend, and the no-stress daughter. With my own baby and my new role who am I now?