be grateful.

I like to think of myself as a person who looks for the best in any situation. I get frustrated sometimes when things don't go exactly my way, but I often comfort myself by finding something good about what is happening. I don't really understand people who can just be soo negative about everything. I almost want to shake them and say "you're only making things worse!"

I suppose I never really got crazy baby fever because I work with kids and I love being around kids and although they're fun there's no real mystery for me about the magic of being a parent; I know how hard it is. So when O and I were trying to have a kid for so long, or experiencing a "false start" I'd sort of fall back on the idea that I am blessed with 7 nieces and nephews and a handful of regular clients- I have a ton of kids in my life. And I love them dearly, but to be honest sometimes I just can't wait to give them back to their parents and go home to my quiet clean house. I guess what I'm getting at is that there's no perfect life. You can't wait for the magic "thing" that's going to make you happy and solve all your problems- be it a boyfriend or a baby. There are tons of good things about being single just like there are tons of good things about being married. Your husband might drive you nuts or it might drive you nuts to not have a built-in date for events. The same is true for kids. There were times I really wanted to have a baby- it's biological. But there were also a lot of times I was grateful it was just O and I. We do a lot of fun stuff. Knowing that we would eventually have kids I did my best to cram as many adventures into our unhindered life as possible. We took road trips and classes and stayed out late and drank too much and found ourselves in ridiculous situations. I feel like doing those things helped me feel more settled now that the time has come to start our family. Was I upset when we had a chemical pregnancy? Definitely. Horribly so. But I didn't let it take away my hope for what I knew we'd have one day. I found good things to say about what we do have and not what we lost.

I just don't understand how people put their lives on hold waiting to get pregnant. Not going out, not engaging, not adventuring, just waiting. I know the worst thing you can say to someone who's trying to have a kid is "just relax" but there's something to be said for the old adage "a watched pot never boils." If you've been trying to get pregnant for more than a year and haven't it's time to see your doctor about taking the next step. I don't get all this "we've been trying for 3 years but I don't know when I ovulate and I've never mentioned it to my gyn." If you don't see a dr you're sort of leaving yourself in that limbo and you can't really complain about it. I'm a big proponent of being proactive. If you don't like something then you need to change it, or at least find some good in your current sitaution. But most of all stop complaining. You're not doing yourself or your marriage any favors by wallowing.

O and I have been talking a lot about faith these days. What we believe, what we want our kids to believe. And I've realized that my big thing is gratitude. I want gracious kids. Instead of prayers before bed I want to say our "gratitudes" and really be thankful for everything we have. Yes, things can always be better but they can also always be worse. It's important to acknowledge and be thankful for what you do have and not just ask for what you don't. If I could start a religion it's tenents would be: Gratitude, Tradition, Community, and Family. Those are the things I believe in and those are the things I want to give to my child. Yes, we are going to baptize her and bring her up at St. Matthias, but we're also going to keep going to Full Moon dances and pagan fest and teach her about the universe and nature and karma. I believe that life is cyclical and what you give is what you get and the most important things are the ones you already have and are probably taking for granted.