so my cousin apparently found this blog. my other blog Disgraced Life is linked to my facebook, and O follows that blog, so my cousin went to my blog through facebook and saw O followed it, so she clicked on his profile and saw that he has a blog and clicked on that, then on his blog she found the link to this blog. seems like a lot of effort to me, but i'm flattered more than anything else. did i mention this happened at 2AM?
really, ok, i get it that this is a public blog and anyone has the right to read it, but my parents and family aren't very technological so i didn't think it would be a problem. and besides, the purpose of this blog is so that other people can read it (eventually).
so she sends me this message on facebook that was very sweet and all like, "lot of women in our family go through this" and "i'm here for you" etc etc. ok, not a problem. so i sent her a message saying essentially, "O and I don't have any announcements for the family right now, so please use your discretion and respect our privacy." then i said "PS- if this gets around the family or takes away my ability to share the news i've been looking forward to sharing for a long time now, i will not be able to forgive you."
then the shit hit the fan. she was all like, "don't worry i'll avoid you from now on" so i said "don't do that, that's crazy..."
then she started updating her FB status to things like "just wanted to help and it got thrown in my face" so i sent her another message that said, "really, we're cool. no hard feelings. O and I are going through a difficult time, we don't want to discuss it. please stop making a big deal out of it" so then she ignored that and posted on our other cousin's wall "call me traci, we need to talk about something."
awesome. really fucking awsome.
isn't it just crazy that i don't want to tell my family yet?
so now my dilemma is this, this cousin is extremely dramatic and i know she's going to tell her sister, and probably our other cousin. and it's going to leak out around the family. so, do i tell my parents before i'm ready just so that i can be the one to tell them? or do i say, fuck her and keep quiet but risk my family hearing the news i've been looking forward to telling them from someone else?
hmm, decisions decisions....
Thursday, September 30, 2010
it's so cliche, i know
but I can't get enough pickles. they're all I want to eat. I've eaten half a jar this morning...
also- HOT SAUCE omg. I now put it on everything. so good.
PS: this progesterone cream is making my hormones cray cray...
also- HOT SAUCE omg. I now put it on everything. so good.
PS: this progesterone cream is making my hormones cray cray...
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
A declaration-
so I picked up the progesterone today. $598 for 30 suppositories. Insane. Thank god we have insurance which took a nice bite out of it. I felt like a CIA operative carrying that bag out. All I kept thinking about was "what do people do who don't have insurance? Just hang on and hope they don't bleed out their baby?" How awful.
I've decided we're not going to lose the baby.
For a long time I said I didn't want kids, that we weren't ready, because I was protecting myself from the fact that I knew it was going to be hard. It was easier to not try, to let it go, to be a fun auntie and the free friend rather than manage my hormones and check my TSH and organize sex on the calender. When you deal with heartbreak after heartbreak and difficuly after difficulty it comes to define you-- this obscure "something wrong" that your doctors all postulate different reasons for and run different tests. You think of yourself as "flawed" and that begins to define you. You think, "I would rather not try than go through this again." And so you begin to imagine your life without kids. And you find ways to comfort yourself and this sense of making the best of things becomes a part of your personality. You get used to the drama, you take it in, and you even stop thinking about it all the time...
I almost feel like this spotting is the same thing. I can't accept the fact that we made it; it can't be this easy. There has to be something wrong. The drama is expected beacause that defines my experience thus far. It can't be easy. We have to earn it, right? I have to be afraid and put myself on the line. I have to get down on my knees and make deals with god because that's expected. When it all starts going south I can just comfort myself and say, "we weren't really ready to have kids anyway..."
Not anymore. I'm not afraid or embarassed to admit that I want this baby. I'm choosing to be positive, acknowledge what we're working for, and confirm that we want it. That I want it. From now on, I'm going to be positive. I'm not going to cry every day because I'm bleeding, I'm not going to be afraid. This is our baby, and I'm going to meet her in May.
I've decided we're not going to lose the baby.
For a long time I said I didn't want kids, that we weren't ready, because I was protecting myself from the fact that I knew it was going to be hard. It was easier to not try, to let it go, to be a fun auntie and the free friend rather than manage my hormones and check my TSH and organize sex on the calender. When you deal with heartbreak after heartbreak and difficuly after difficulty it comes to define you-- this obscure "something wrong" that your doctors all postulate different reasons for and run different tests. You think of yourself as "flawed" and that begins to define you. You think, "I would rather not try than go through this again." And so you begin to imagine your life without kids. And you find ways to comfort yourself and this sense of making the best of things becomes a part of your personality. You get used to the drama, you take it in, and you even stop thinking about it all the time...
I almost feel like this spotting is the same thing. I can't accept the fact that we made it; it can't be this easy. There has to be something wrong. The drama is expected beacause that defines my experience thus far. It can't be easy. We have to earn it, right? I have to be afraid and put myself on the line. I have to get down on my knees and make deals with god because that's expected. When it all starts going south I can just comfort myself and say, "we weren't really ready to have kids anyway..."
Not anymore. I'm not afraid or embarassed to admit that I want this baby. I'm choosing to be positive, acknowledge what we're working for, and confirm that we want it. That I want it. From now on, I'm going to be positive. I'm not going to cry every day because I'm bleeding, I'm not going to be afraid. This is our baby, and I'm going to meet her in May.
progesterone
Got my blood test results back yesterday afternoon. Not so good. my hCG is great for 6 weeks (nearly 10,000!) but my progesterone is dangerously low at only 9.5. I'm so pissed right now. I'm tired of everything being so hard. 14 year olds get knocked up all the time and do a bunch of drugs and have prefectly healthy pregnancies. I don't understand why every single aspect of having a child together has to be so hard for O and I. I really thought we were over the complicated stuff, the heartbreak. We made it to 6 weeks! We're supposed to be on the other side now...
I'm just so exhausted. I feel like I can't handle one more thing. I'm just exhausted. I can't think about money or housing or family or planning or anything. I just want to sleep and sleep for days and days. If I sit down for more than five minutes I fall asleep. Yesterday O had his first RCIA meeting and I came home from work planning to make him dinner before he left and the next thing I know he's waking me up to say goodbye. I'd slept for almost 2 hours. And I'm not a napper, in fact I never nap. But here I am, falling asleep on the toilet. I know I should try and limit my stress right now, especially since I'm so tired all the time, but O and I are both terrified we're going to lose the baby.
I've been spotting since saturday. and the cramps are getting worse.
So apparently the only way to try and give my progesterone a boost is by using these hormone suppositories. Sorry to get graphic here, but I basically have to stuff my hoo-ha twice a day with this crazy progesterone goo. and here I thought I was done with maxi-pads for the next 9 months... and I'm now on "pelvic rest" want to guess what that means?
That's not even the worst part, the worst part is that when I went to the pharmacy to pick it up they said they didn't have it in stock because it's so expensive. How expensive? $300 for a box of 15 suppositories.
Then I made the mistake of asking the pharmacy tech to explain what it's used for and how often because my doctor didn't really explain anything to me, just told me over the phone that I needed progesterone ASAP and she was going to call in a scrip. So what does the pharmacy tech say? "it's for infertility. you inject it in the vagina."
I can only blame what happened next on pregnancy hormones. and stress. and the fact that I'm not supposed to have to deal with any of this. "Actually," I basically yelled at her, "I'm 6 weeks pregnant. So it's definitely NOT for infertility. AND I find it really insensitive that you'd give inaccurate information to someone who is clearly having a difficult time understanding her perscription. I mean, your job's not that hard. You figure out what medicines are used for what, and you tell people that information. You don't tell someone WHO'S ALREADY PREGNANT that she needs infertility treatment, ok?"
I would have felt bad for her if she didn't look all bratty and completely unmoved. "so do you want the perscription or not? because we have to order it so it won't be here till after 4 tomorrow. In cases like this we always make sure it's within your pricepoint."
Of course I want it. What else am I supposed to do?
I'm just so exhausted. I feel like I can't handle one more thing. I'm just exhausted. I can't think about money or housing or family or planning or anything. I just want to sleep and sleep for days and days. If I sit down for more than five minutes I fall asleep. Yesterday O had his first RCIA meeting and I came home from work planning to make him dinner before he left and the next thing I know he's waking me up to say goodbye. I'd slept for almost 2 hours. And I'm not a napper, in fact I never nap. But here I am, falling asleep on the toilet. I know I should try and limit my stress right now, especially since I'm so tired all the time, but O and I are both terrified we're going to lose the baby.
I've been spotting since saturday. and the cramps are getting worse.
So apparently the only way to try and give my progesterone a boost is by using these hormone suppositories. Sorry to get graphic here, but I basically have to stuff my hoo-ha twice a day with this crazy progesterone goo. and here I thought I was done with maxi-pads for the next 9 months... and I'm now on "pelvic rest" want to guess what that means?
That's not even the worst part, the worst part is that when I went to the pharmacy to pick it up they said they didn't have it in stock because it's so expensive. How expensive? $300 for a box of 15 suppositories.
Then I made the mistake of asking the pharmacy tech to explain what it's used for and how often because my doctor didn't really explain anything to me, just told me over the phone that I needed progesterone ASAP and she was going to call in a scrip. So what does the pharmacy tech say? "it's for infertility. you inject it in the vagina."
I can only blame what happened next on pregnancy hormones. and stress. and the fact that I'm not supposed to have to deal with any of this. "Actually," I basically yelled at her, "I'm 6 weeks pregnant. So it's definitely NOT for infertility. AND I find it really insensitive that you'd give inaccurate information to someone who is clearly having a difficult time understanding her perscription. I mean, your job's not that hard. You figure out what medicines are used for what, and you tell people that information. You don't tell someone WHO'S ALREADY PREGNANT that she needs infertility treatment, ok?"
I would have felt bad for her if she didn't look all bratty and completely unmoved. "so do you want the perscription or not? because we have to order it so it won't be here till after 4 tomorrow. In cases like this we always make sure it's within your pricepoint."
Of course I want it. What else am I supposed to do?
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Don't read this if you're related to me- it'll just be awkward
Had my first "Erotic" pregnancy dream last night. I keep hearing about them on the message boards and how amazing they are.
Here's the thing- it didn't star George Clooney or Brad Pitt or Matt Damon. Nope, it was Scarlett Johansson.
It was a pretty hot dream, just Scarlett and I in a hotel room.
What's funny is throughout the whole dream I kept thinking, "man! this is so hot! I wish O could watch it- he'd be going crazy!"
See, even in my lusty dreams I'm a good wife.
Here's the thing- it didn't star George Clooney or Brad Pitt or Matt Damon. Nope, it was Scarlett Johansson.
It was a pretty hot dream, just Scarlett and I in a hotel room.
What's funny is throughout the whole dream I kept thinking, "man! this is so hot! I wish O could watch it- he'd be going crazy!"
See, even in my lusty dreams I'm a good wife.
scary weekend, long post
oh man, what a bad weekend. it started on friday when I woke up feeling great. Now ordinarily that would be a good thing, but when you're newly pregnant you don't have a lot to go on to assume everything is going accord to plan inside of you. So you kind of gauge how pregnant you are based on how awful you feel and how many "symptoms" you have (i know, this is an incredibly stupid system, more on that later though).
So when I woke up on friday and did a quick inventory I felt a little nervous because 1. I wasn't at all nauseated 2. my boobs didn't hurt at all and I was even able to put on a bra without wincing and 3. I put on my old jeans no problem, no bloating muffin top issues at all. All day I kept expecting to get sick or nauseous or something, but nada. Saturday same thing. Saturday afternoon O realized I felt stressed and sent me out shopping while he cleaned the apartment (I know, he's unreal). I had a great afternoon, everything went fine, then I came home and went to the bathroom and realized I was "spotting". Cue freakout. I can't even really explain what happened, I basically started crying and freaking out. I called Arliss sobbing and she immediately rushed over with some pee stick pregnancy tests to make sure I was still pregnant (only a great friend will rush over with pregnancy tests on a saturday night) and I spent the rest of the weekend crying and making deals with god.
Here's what's funny about this whole thing. O and I had a long talk last week about how I'm just going to take this pregnancy thing one day at a time. I was very zen about the whole thing, I said if I lose it, there's nothing they can do at 6 weeks anyway so I should just be grateful for every day I get. I said I didn't want a million ultasounds showing a blob on a blank screen, I was going to be rational and wait and be hopeful. My ObGyn considers me "high risk" because I've got hypothyroidism and I've had chemical pregnancies, and I'm very overweight. She wanted to do a "dating" ultrasound at 6 weeks (even though I know when I had my last period) and then do (what O and I considered) an excessive amount of ultrasounds and bloodwork. My last TSH draw showed that my thyroid hormone was at .9 (that's right, POINT9, not even 1) which is great. but because of previous bloodwork and other things I've talked to her about including a family history of Hashimoto's (which I didn't end up getting tested for because I got pregnant) she wanted to "play it safe".
ANYWAY, all of this medical stuff is stupid and boring. What it comes down to is that I really wasn't feeling a highly monitored pregnancy which is why we switched to a midwife.
Of course all of that was fine when everything was going great. Wanna guess what the first thing I wanted when I started spotting was? Oh yeah, a highly monitored pregnancy.
I decided if I wasn't spotting on sunday I'd just call it a weird lark, maybe delayed implantation spotting and leave it at that. Then, on sunday we went over to my parents house for rachael and joe's birthdays and it started up again. with some bad cramps. and I got all freaked out again. Made worse by the fact that we haven't told my family yet and everyone kept saying I looked "tired.
So of course first thing on monday I called my 'ol ObGyn. Who didn't flinch when I started crying while she was giving me a pelvic exam. She ordered some blood tests and an ultrasound but said that my cervix was tightly closed and the bleeding was minimal. No sign of an impending miscarriage.
sigh of relief.
That's the thing about pregnancy. It's like you develop 2 different brains. You have your very rational adult brain that says things like, "one cup of coffee a day is not going to kill your fetus" and "exercise is good for you while pregnant" and "that's totally normal! you read about it in the pregnancy books, remember?" but then you also have this hormonal, irrational pregnant woman brain that says things like "cramping? oh yeah definitely having a miscarriage" and "why would you trade the life of your unborn child for a cold cut sandwich and a cup of coffee?" It sounds crazy to an outsider I know, and believe me, I'm normally pretty laid back about most things. But I've never seen my husband so happy, and we worked so hard for this baby... I almost feel like I can't do anything right. I'm afraid to move, I'm afraid to eat or drink anything. I terrified all the time that this is going to get taken away from us again.
So yeah, I know you're probably reading this and think I sound like a maniac, and I know I do. But I can't help it and I can only blame so much of it on the hormones...
on to week six
So when I woke up on friday and did a quick inventory I felt a little nervous because 1. I wasn't at all nauseated 2. my boobs didn't hurt at all and I was even able to put on a bra without wincing and 3. I put on my old jeans no problem, no bloating muffin top issues at all. All day I kept expecting to get sick or nauseous or something, but nada. Saturday same thing. Saturday afternoon O realized I felt stressed and sent me out shopping while he cleaned the apartment (I know, he's unreal). I had a great afternoon, everything went fine, then I came home and went to the bathroom and realized I was "spotting". Cue freakout. I can't even really explain what happened, I basically started crying and freaking out. I called Arliss sobbing and she immediately rushed over with some pee stick pregnancy tests to make sure I was still pregnant (only a great friend will rush over with pregnancy tests on a saturday night) and I spent the rest of the weekend crying and making deals with god.
Here's what's funny about this whole thing. O and I had a long talk last week about how I'm just going to take this pregnancy thing one day at a time. I was very zen about the whole thing, I said if I lose it, there's nothing they can do at 6 weeks anyway so I should just be grateful for every day I get. I said I didn't want a million ultasounds showing a blob on a blank screen, I was going to be rational and wait and be hopeful. My ObGyn considers me "high risk" because I've got hypothyroidism and I've had chemical pregnancies, and I'm very overweight. She wanted to do a "dating" ultrasound at 6 weeks (even though I know when I had my last period) and then do (what O and I considered) an excessive amount of ultrasounds and bloodwork. My last TSH draw showed that my thyroid hormone was at .9 (that's right, POINT9, not even 1) which is great. but because of previous bloodwork and other things I've talked to her about including a family history of Hashimoto's (which I didn't end up getting tested for because I got pregnant) she wanted to "play it safe".
ANYWAY, all of this medical stuff is stupid and boring. What it comes down to is that I really wasn't feeling a highly monitored pregnancy which is why we switched to a midwife.
Of course all of that was fine when everything was going great. Wanna guess what the first thing I wanted when I started spotting was? Oh yeah, a highly monitored pregnancy.
I decided if I wasn't spotting on sunday I'd just call it a weird lark, maybe delayed implantation spotting and leave it at that. Then, on sunday we went over to my parents house for rachael and joe's birthdays and it started up again. with some bad cramps. and I got all freaked out again. Made worse by the fact that we haven't told my family yet and everyone kept saying I looked "tired.
So of course first thing on monday I called my 'ol ObGyn. Who didn't flinch when I started crying while she was giving me a pelvic exam. She ordered some blood tests and an ultrasound but said that my cervix was tightly closed and the bleeding was minimal. No sign of an impending miscarriage.
sigh of relief.
That's the thing about pregnancy. It's like you develop 2 different brains. You have your very rational adult brain that says things like, "one cup of coffee a day is not going to kill your fetus" and "exercise is good for you while pregnant" and "that's totally normal! you read about it in the pregnancy books, remember?" but then you also have this hormonal, irrational pregnant woman brain that says things like "cramping? oh yeah definitely having a miscarriage" and "why would you trade the life of your unborn child for a cold cut sandwich and a cup of coffee?" It sounds crazy to an outsider I know, and believe me, I'm normally pretty laid back about most things. But I've never seen my husband so happy, and we worked so hard for this baby... I almost feel like I can't do anything right. I'm afraid to move, I'm afraid to eat or drink anything. I terrified all the time that this is going to get taken away from us again.
So yeah, I know you're probably reading this and think I sound like a maniac, and I know I do. But I can't help it and I can only blame so much of it on the hormones...
on to week six
Monday, September 27, 2010
dear librarian...
... I know I come here often, and I'm flattered you recognize me and we have a chatty relationship, but please- for the love of god- do not feel free to comment on my pregnancy books, talk about how natural childbirth is weird, flip through the pages, comment on how gross that looks, ask me why I want to do it that way and then loudly ask when I'm due and add that with all that acne, I'm definitely having a girl.
And here I was thinking that my skin is clearing up...
And here I was thinking that my skin is clearing up...
Friday, September 24, 2010
whoa! hormones!
So our house right now is a total catastrophe. I don't know if we've just been in la-la-land or what but everything is falling apart. I know we have 8 more months to get everything together, but I need to feel like some things are falling into order. Laundry, for one. When are we going to start doing our laundry regularly like normal people? And dishes- because the sink stinks all the time.
Also, O flushed his glasses down the toilet this morning so looks like we'll need a plumber too.
I want to get shelves put up in my closet, I think that would help a lot. We also have to figure out a way to reorganize the TV room so that it can become a nursury. This is going to involve getting rid of a LOT of stuff... I don't anticipate that going well...
Also, O flushed his glasses down the toilet this morning so looks like we'll need a plumber too.
I want to get shelves put up in my closet, I think that would help a lot. We also have to figure out a way to reorganize the TV room so that it can become a nursury. This is going to involve getting rid of a LOT of stuff... I don't anticipate that going well...
autumn equinox full moon jam!
last night we went to the full moon jam at foster beach. it was so amazing. O played so hard and i danced and danced for about 3 hours. too cool! i know it sounds all hippie-ish to say, but i really feel like being pregnant connects me to nature in a whole new way. i feel like i'm growing more in touch with the earth and the chain of motherhood. it felt so good to be there and just move. the moon was so bright, the tempreture was cool and windy and the reflection of the light on the water was just breathtaking. i feel like this was the best start to fall i could possibly imagine. i just feel this new overwhelming sense of gratitude for everything.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I want to brag on my amazing hubs for a minute...
Hubs has been so over the moon amazing since this whole thing started. When we first started trying to have a kid, I admit I wasn't 100% committed, but when I saw how badly he wanted to be a dad and how much it would mean to him it made me want to be the person who could give him that.
For as long as I've known O I've always thought he would make a great dad. Even before I realized it, it's one of those things that I was most attracted to about him. He's wanted kids basically since he was kid, and he's great with them. Everywhere we go kids flock to him. My nephews LOVE him like crazy. The kids I nanny for ask about him all day. He's simply amazing.
When we first got that second line my immediate reaction was some degree of terror. So many things could go wrong. So many reasons we're not ready for this. I've been a mess since day 1 and O has been my support, my friend, my light. I've never seen him so sure or so happy. Even with all my nausea and acne he constantly looks at me like he adores me and that helps me get through the harder parts. I've been known to say "stop looking at me with your love eyes" but he never does, just looks at me like I handed him the world.
I've been a jumble of raw nerves and emotions and bodily functions and ginormo boobs and O has never made me feel more secure in our life together or what we're doing. He constantly surprises me with his unfailing support even when I'm crying for no reason or cursing my life that I can't just eat cupcakes and lay in bed like a normal pregnant woman.
A few days ago, I went looking for a good "A Dad's Guide to Pregnancy" type book but they were all so offensive. I couldn't believe there were actually guys who felt trapped and resentful of their wife's pregnancy. All the books were like, "how to cope with the fact that your wife is getting fat" and "sex? not any more" and "so your life of freedom is over" I couldn't imagine getting one of those types of books for O. It didn't seem like something he'd identify with at all. I got this sort of general guide to pregnancy that had these "dad's diary" segments in with every section on how dads coped with the changes. In one of them it said, "more than anything else I felt an overwhelming loss of freedom at first. I was never going to teach English in Korea or climb mt. everest." I showed it to O and asked if he was feeling like that. "We need to be honest and communicate" I said "you don't need to be the strong one."
O looked totally shocked. "I don't think you understand" he said "I've wanted this since I was a kid. This is like a dream come true for me. I don't feel like I'm losing my freedom, if anything I feel like the world is opening up for me." He is really the most amazing husband I can imagine anyone having. I feel so lucky to be with a guy who's just as excited about my pregnancy as I am.
His support and friendship make me believe that everything is going to be ok, no matter what and I am so grateful to have him at my side for this new adventure in our lives.
Thanks buddy.
For as long as I've known O I've always thought he would make a great dad. Even before I realized it, it's one of those things that I was most attracted to about him. He's wanted kids basically since he was kid, and he's great with them. Everywhere we go kids flock to him. My nephews LOVE him like crazy. The kids I nanny for ask about him all day. He's simply amazing.
When we first got that second line my immediate reaction was some degree of terror. So many things could go wrong. So many reasons we're not ready for this. I've been a mess since day 1 and O has been my support, my friend, my light. I've never seen him so sure or so happy. Even with all my nausea and acne he constantly looks at me like he adores me and that helps me get through the harder parts. I've been known to say "stop looking at me with your love eyes" but he never does, just looks at me like I handed him the world.
I've been a jumble of raw nerves and emotions and bodily functions and ginormo boobs and O has never made me feel more secure in our life together or what we're doing. He constantly surprises me with his unfailing support even when I'm crying for no reason or cursing my life that I can't just eat cupcakes and lay in bed like a normal pregnant woman.
A few days ago, I went looking for a good "A Dad's Guide to Pregnancy" type book but they were all so offensive. I couldn't believe there were actually guys who felt trapped and resentful of their wife's pregnancy. All the books were like, "how to cope with the fact that your wife is getting fat" and "sex? not any more" and "so your life of freedom is over" I couldn't imagine getting one of those types of books for O. It didn't seem like something he'd identify with at all. I got this sort of general guide to pregnancy that had these "dad's diary" segments in with every section on how dads coped with the changes. In one of them it said, "more than anything else I felt an overwhelming loss of freedom at first. I was never going to teach English in Korea or climb mt. everest." I showed it to O and asked if he was feeling like that. "We need to be honest and communicate" I said "you don't need to be the strong one."
O looked totally shocked. "I don't think you understand" he said "I've wanted this since I was a kid. This is like a dream come true for me. I don't feel like I'm losing my freedom, if anything I feel like the world is opening up for me." He is really the most amazing husband I can imagine anyone having. I feel so lucky to be with a guy who's just as excited about my pregnancy as I am.
His support and friendship make me believe that everything is going to be ok, no matter what and I am so grateful to have him at my side for this new adventure in our lives.
Thanks buddy.
exercise
So yesterday was my first time back at the gym since I got preggers. It was scary! I was always thought I'd be one of those laid back preggos who just did whatever and hoped for the best, but I feel like we worked so hard for this baby that I almost want to wrap my abdomen in bubble wrap and stay in bed for the next few months.
Normally I do about 30 minutes on the stairmaster, 20 minutes on this arm and leg bike/machine, and then strength training (usually just abs, chest, and arms) yesterday I did 40 minutes on the elliptical. The problem is that you're not supposed to overheat or let your heartrate stay above 140 bpm. I know when I do the stairmaster my heartrate stays in the 180-210 range (i do interval training, so it changes levels every 3 minutes). It's hard to work out and NOT push yourself to train harder, especially if you're overweight. My heart rate kept creeping up to 160bpm. I was barely sweating at the end of 40 minutes, but I was terrified to push it, so I did a cool down and called it a day.
about an hour later when we were at home making dinner I started having some light cramping. I didn't think too much about it because I've been cramping off and on the last week or so and my Ob said it was perfectly normal. She also said that if i start stressing out over the cramps, I should count to 30 every time I feel one and by the time I'm done it should already be disappating. So I was doing that. Counting to 30, taking deep breaths, drinking a shit-ton of water. they would be fading by the time I got to 30 every time. Then as we were getting ready to go to bed they started getting worse. My back had this stabbing pain and the cramps were staying longer and longer. finally I had one low in my pelvis that was still there when I counted to 250. I was officially freaking out. I felt "wet" and the cramps didn't seem to be going away and didn't i read something somewhere about low back pain being a precursor to miscarriage?? Then i started really freaking out. crying and sitting in the bathroom waiting to start bleeding. In retrospect I feel bad for O who just had to be there for me and try to comfort me. I was such a mess.
maybe i was just overtired. maybe i was dehydrated. i still don't know. but it's so hard to go to the gym and work out. I know it's the healthy thing to do, and in the long run it will be good for me. But I know if anything happens to this baby I'm going to blame it on "pushing myself" and that will destroy me. Last night way SO scary, I don't want to have to go through that again. But i also don't want to be a beached whale lazy pregnant woman. So what do i do?
Normally I do about 30 minutes on the stairmaster, 20 minutes on this arm and leg bike/machine, and then strength training (usually just abs, chest, and arms) yesterday I did 40 minutes on the elliptical. The problem is that you're not supposed to overheat or let your heartrate stay above 140 bpm. I know when I do the stairmaster my heartrate stays in the 180-210 range (i do interval training, so it changes levels every 3 minutes). It's hard to work out and NOT push yourself to train harder, especially if you're overweight. My heart rate kept creeping up to 160bpm. I was barely sweating at the end of 40 minutes, but I was terrified to push it, so I did a cool down and called it a day.
about an hour later when we were at home making dinner I started having some light cramping. I didn't think too much about it because I've been cramping off and on the last week or so and my Ob said it was perfectly normal. She also said that if i start stressing out over the cramps, I should count to 30 every time I feel one and by the time I'm done it should already be disappating. So I was doing that. Counting to 30, taking deep breaths, drinking a shit-ton of water. they would be fading by the time I got to 30 every time. Then as we were getting ready to go to bed they started getting worse. My back had this stabbing pain and the cramps were staying longer and longer. finally I had one low in my pelvis that was still there when I counted to 250. I was officially freaking out. I felt "wet" and the cramps didn't seem to be going away and didn't i read something somewhere about low back pain being a precursor to miscarriage?? Then i started really freaking out. crying and sitting in the bathroom waiting to start bleeding. In retrospect I feel bad for O who just had to be there for me and try to comfort me. I was such a mess.
maybe i was just overtired. maybe i was dehydrated. i still don't know. but it's so hard to go to the gym and work out. I know it's the healthy thing to do, and in the long run it will be good for me. But I know if anything happens to this baby I'm going to blame it on "pushing myself" and that will destroy me. Last night way SO scary, I don't want to have to go through that again. But i also don't want to be a beached whale lazy pregnant woman. So what do i do?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Countdown til oct 18th
Just made my first prenatal appointment with the midwife group at Swedish. I'm so excited! I can hardly wait til oct 18th when I get to see our baby!!
They sounded so laid back, I already like them better than my Ob.
check them out here: http://swedishcovenant.org/medical-services/midwifery
They sounded so laid back, I already like them better than my Ob.
check them out here: http://swedishcovenant.org/medical-services/midwifery
Week 5 (almost)
It's amazing how much things change in a week. My insomnia is starting to get better, although it's still difficult to fall asleep and if anything wakes me up I'm up for good, but I no longer wake up repeatedly all night (except to pee). This nagging exhaustion has started to settle over me. I haven't given up coffee completely, I still have my morning cup, however I may have to. I've been totally demonized on the message boards about it and also it's too hard to stop at one cup. Everytime I get tired I want another cup. I sort of expected to not want coffee anymore once the hormones started settling in, but if anything I crave it more now.
Also, yesterday I woke up seriously needing tomato sauce. I didn't know cravings would be like that. It was like I needed tomato sauce. now. for breakfast. So weird, my salivery glads were working overtime-- it was like I could already taste it on my tongue. I actually got out of bed and walked to Gene's deli to get some real tomato marinara. and then I ate the whole jar.
I also went to Borders to get some books. It was so much fun to bring a stack of them to the counter and the cashier was like, "I'm sensing a theme here..." and I laughed and she said, "well in that case congratulations!" It was so neat. However soon after that I went to the thrift store to get some throw-away sweat pants (since I'm SO insanely bloated I can barely breathe and my ob says I can't take diuretics or midol or anything else to help) while I was shopping that Shania Twain song "you're still the one" came on and I just started sobbing. I still have no idea why. I don't even like that song. But just thinking about it makes me start crying again. It doesn't have any significance in my life. There's nothing particularly meaningful about it. And there I was. At first I was able to conceal it then it quickly got out of control and I was full on sobbing. I had to leave the store I was so embarrassed but I couldn't control myself, the tears kept coming.
I feel like I don't even own my body anymore. I have these crying jags and these cravings, this horrible nausea. After we'd been trying a few months to have a baby I had a total breakdown and was like, "I feel like I can't control my own body, I can't make it do what I want." Now I'm having that same feeling. We don't own these bodies, we just live in them for a while. Which makes sense I guess, but it's so hard when you have to acknowledge that.
I had brunch with Lance and Carissa over the weekend. It was weird because I haven't told them yet and I haven't exactly figured out how. They've been trying to have a baby for so long. 7 years. I almost feel like a traitor to have one before them. I know it's dishonest to keep it from them, but I need more time to feel the situation out.
I went to my mom's Bach concert on sunday. I kept getting so nauseous in the middle of it I was afraid I'd have to run to the bathroom. Afterwards she tried to buy me a beer and I had to beg off, she was shocked. "Since when do you turn down beer?!" she said. I really wanted to tell her, and really I have no problem with sharing this with her, but I know she'll tell dad. And while I have no problem with dad knowing I know that it would only be a matter of time until he tells the boys and then "word gets around." I'm still really hurt by my brothers' reactions to my engagement and I want this to be my news to tell, not something that "gets around."
Anyway, by far the best part about being pregnant is the raise in my body temperature. So amazing. I'm never freezing anymore! I even sweat sometimes! It feels so good to not need 3 quilts to be able to make it through the night without shivering.
I'm in the process from switching from an Ob to a Midwife (CNM). I already have been emailing the group at swedish covenent hospital. They sound amazing, so friendly and nice! I think I'd like to try a water birth... honestly I'm trying to not think about birth too much. too terrifying!
Also, yesterday I woke up seriously needing tomato sauce. I didn't know cravings would be like that. It was like I needed tomato sauce. now. for breakfast. So weird, my salivery glads were working overtime-- it was like I could already taste it on my tongue. I actually got out of bed and walked to Gene's deli to get some real tomato marinara. and then I ate the whole jar.
I also went to Borders to get some books. It was so much fun to bring a stack of them to the counter and the cashier was like, "I'm sensing a theme here..." and I laughed and she said, "well in that case congratulations!" It was so neat. However soon after that I went to the thrift store to get some throw-away sweat pants (since I'm SO insanely bloated I can barely breathe and my ob says I can't take diuretics or midol or anything else to help) while I was shopping that Shania Twain song "you're still the one" came on and I just started sobbing. I still have no idea why. I don't even like that song. But just thinking about it makes me start crying again. It doesn't have any significance in my life. There's nothing particularly meaningful about it. And there I was. At first I was able to conceal it then it quickly got out of control and I was full on sobbing. I had to leave the store I was so embarrassed but I couldn't control myself, the tears kept coming.
I feel like I don't even own my body anymore. I have these crying jags and these cravings, this horrible nausea. After we'd been trying a few months to have a baby I had a total breakdown and was like, "I feel like I can't control my own body, I can't make it do what I want." Now I'm having that same feeling. We don't own these bodies, we just live in them for a while. Which makes sense I guess, but it's so hard when you have to acknowledge that.
I had brunch with Lance and Carissa over the weekend. It was weird because I haven't told them yet and I haven't exactly figured out how. They've been trying to have a baby for so long. 7 years. I almost feel like a traitor to have one before them. I know it's dishonest to keep it from them, but I need more time to feel the situation out.
I went to my mom's Bach concert on sunday. I kept getting so nauseous in the middle of it I was afraid I'd have to run to the bathroom. Afterwards she tried to buy me a beer and I had to beg off, she was shocked. "Since when do you turn down beer?!" she said. I really wanted to tell her, and really I have no problem with sharing this with her, but I know she'll tell dad. And while I have no problem with dad knowing I know that it would only be a matter of time until he tells the boys and then "word gets around." I'm still really hurt by my brothers' reactions to my engagement and I want this to be my news to tell, not something that "gets around."
Anyway, by far the best part about being pregnant is the raise in my body temperature. So amazing. I'm never freezing anymore! I even sweat sometimes! It feels so good to not need 3 quilts to be able to make it through the night without shivering.
I'm in the process from switching from an Ob to a Midwife (CNM). I already have been emailing the group at swedish covenent hospital. They sound amazing, so friendly and nice! I think I'd like to try a water birth... honestly I'm trying to not think about birth too much. too terrifying!
WTF?!
I seriously cannot start throwing up at not even 5 weeks. 4 weeks and 6 days to be precise. NO. This is not ok. I was told there would be a honeymoon period after we found out and that I wouldn't start getting sick til 6 weeks AT LEAST. How can I possibly start throwing up now? I'm barely pregnant! When I blow my nose, what comes out is bigger than our baby right now. I have a lot of things to do in the next few weeks and throwing up every hour is just not one of them. First of all my mother in law is coming to stay with us next week. Also we have 3 dance-a-thons, a wine auction, and a wedding coming up. I thought I'd be ok til about week 8 or so... oh man. I am so sick.
Also I am never eating landjager sausage and steel cut oatmeal for breakfast ever again. ugh. so gross coming back up.
Also I am never eating landjager sausage and steel cut oatmeal for breakfast ever again. ugh. so gross coming back up.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
hahaha, we don't keep secrets very well...
So O and I just told Dad and Jennie (I was on speakerphone, they are in Kuttawa). I'm glad. They were so happy, it was so nice to hear. Ultimately I realized that if we seriously got through the whole first trimester without telling them they were going to be really hurt and feel left out, especially if they found out that O told his brother. And I told Arliss. And Sara. Oh, and Marge too. Dammit! That's a lot of people. but i told 3 and O told 3, so now we're even. Plus, let's face it- I'm terrible at lying. I chatted with jennie on gchat the other day and I almost let it slip about a dozen times. I figured it was better O tell them in person than I let it slip in some future online conversation. This is going to consume our lives and it's hard to hide that from people and find other things to talk about.
And you know what, fuck it if our closest family and friends know. God forbid, if anything happens, we are going to need their support. AND more importantly I don't want to constantly be planning for the worst. Even if something terrible happens I want to remember the little time I got to have this pregnancy/baby as exciting and fun- not morose and terror filled. So let's tell the inlaws. and my BFFs. But definitely not my parents, not yet. no way. Can't handle the drama right now. Maybe after my ultrasound....
And you know what, fuck it if our closest family and friends know. God forbid, if anything happens, we are going to need their support. AND more importantly I don't want to constantly be planning for the worst. Even if something terrible happens I want to remember the little time I got to have this pregnancy/baby as exciting and fun- not morose and terror filled. So let's tell the inlaws. and my BFFs. But definitely not my parents, not yet. no way. Can't handle the drama right now. Maybe after my ultrasound....
I know it's way too early...
...but i'm basically drooooooling over the crib sets at potterybarnkids.com
<-- this one is the hayley set
<---this is the brooke
these are the mobiles i'm crazy about http://www.blablakids.com/Online-Shopping/Mobiles
<-- this one is the hayley set
<---this is the brooke
these are the mobiles i'm crazy about http://www.blablakids.com/Online-Shopping/Mobiles
I know it would be absolutely nuts to start shopping, but there's nothing wrong with a little browsing, right?
ok then.
D'oh!
so, I had a triple FML moment yesterday. It was mortifying...
O's in KY this weekend so when I got off of work I decided the perfect evening would consist of mexican takeout and sappy pregnancy movies. I ordered the food from Garcia's (combination #4, the only thing I ever order) and then on a whim decided to get an horchata. I've been really good about controlling my sugars so I saw it as sort of a "treat." Then I walked over to Blockbuster to get the movie. While there I realized I didn't have my wallet, but luckily they let me rent anyway and so I got Away We Go (totally awesome, by the way. I cried for pretty much the duration of the movie). Anyway, as I'm walking down lawrence avenue I'm juggling the takeout bag, the blockbuster bag, my purse, and the ginormous horchata. Trying to figure out where I left my wallet I'm raising my left arm (which contains previously mentioned gargantuan horchata) and digging in my purse which is on my left shoulder. It's a definite juggling act.
I then realize where I left my wallet. Near the computer at work. (first FML moment)
Then I realize that I printed out some prenatal release forms to take pregnancy aerobics at my gym-- AND LEFT THEM ON THE PRINTER!! (second FML moment)
I'm so stunned to realize that I basically just "outted" my pregnancy to my boss that I inadvertantly flex my hands and my thumb goes through the styrofoam cup that I'm still holding above my head and which contains about a gallon of sugary rice milk. I am now SOAKED. annnnnnnd of course most of the drink gushes directly into my leather Coach purse. (third FML moment- it's a doozie, i know)
As I'm trying to shake and wipe some of the liquid off myself and save some of the papers and the book in my very expensive purse, I start wiping at my midsection and then realize that I've been walking around with my fly down this entire afternoon. (quadruple whammy FML moment)
So there I am, walking down lawrence covered in rice milk, carrying a big takeout bag and a ruined purse and a blockbuster bag. I feel basically like the fattest most pathetic person on the planet- I feel the irrational urge to tell people on the street "I don't normally eat mexican food and watch movies alone on friday night! My husband's out of town and I'm pregnant!" I'm basically mortified. It gets worse.
my "crush" our neighbor (who's also happily married like me, so don't worry it's totally innocent) is standing out in front of our building talking to our downstairs neighbor and here I am looking like the lamest lame that ever lamed....
FML. seriously. fuck my life indeed.
O's in KY this weekend so when I got off of work I decided the perfect evening would consist of mexican takeout and sappy pregnancy movies. I ordered the food from Garcia's (combination #4, the only thing I ever order) and then on a whim decided to get an horchata. I've been really good about controlling my sugars so I saw it as sort of a "treat." Then I walked over to Blockbuster to get the movie. While there I realized I didn't have my wallet, but luckily they let me rent anyway and so I got Away We Go (totally awesome, by the way. I cried for pretty much the duration of the movie). Anyway, as I'm walking down lawrence avenue I'm juggling the takeout bag, the blockbuster bag, my purse, and the ginormous horchata. Trying to figure out where I left my wallet I'm raising my left arm (which contains previously mentioned gargantuan horchata) and digging in my purse which is on my left shoulder. It's a definite juggling act.
I then realize where I left my wallet. Near the computer at work. (first FML moment)
Then I realize that I printed out some prenatal release forms to take pregnancy aerobics at my gym-- AND LEFT THEM ON THE PRINTER!! (second FML moment)
I'm so stunned to realize that I basically just "outted" my pregnancy to my boss that I inadvertantly flex my hands and my thumb goes through the styrofoam cup that I'm still holding above my head and which contains about a gallon of sugary rice milk. I am now SOAKED. annnnnnnd of course most of the drink gushes directly into my leather Coach purse. (third FML moment- it's a doozie, i know)
As I'm trying to shake and wipe some of the liquid off myself and save some of the papers and the book in my very expensive purse, I start wiping at my midsection and then realize that I've been walking around with my fly down this entire afternoon. (quadruple whammy FML moment)
So there I am, walking down lawrence covered in rice milk, carrying a big takeout bag and a ruined purse and a blockbuster bag. I feel basically like the fattest most pathetic person on the planet- I feel the irrational urge to tell people on the street "I don't normally eat mexican food and watch movies alone on friday night! My husband's out of town and I'm pregnant!" I'm basically mortified. It gets worse.
my "crush" our neighbor (who's also happily married like me, so don't worry it's totally innocent) is standing out in front of our building talking to our downstairs neighbor and here I am looking like the lamest lame that ever lamed....
FML. seriously. fuck my life indeed.
Friday, September 17, 2010
it's not just snot anymore (well, almost not)
"Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you've got to be kind."
kurt vonnegut God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater
kurt vonnegut God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater
keeping secrets and planning
Yesterday was my niece's first birthday and so my whole family was over at Liz's house. It was embarassingly hard not to say anything. Every time I opened my mouth I felt like the words were going to fall out but luckily I was able to resist by constantly pestering my sister about getting preggers again. I think it would be kind of neat to have a pregnancy buddy.
For a while I was kind of bummed that everyone basically gives Liz baby goods hand-over-fist just because she's the only person in our family with kids. I got kind of irate with my mom when I saw her giving Liz baby clothes that I wore. But now that I'm actually pregnant I sort oflive in fear of dread the day that people start thinking it's acceptable to give me all their hand-me-downs. I don't want to be snooty, but it's my first baby. I want to get her cute new stuff. I'm not going to go crazy and shop-athon myself out (and honestly we can't afford that anyway) but I really want the opportunity to make things nice for her homecoming. And, it being our first, we're not at the point where we really need more stuff anyway.
I think O and I are already visually rearranging our apartment. We were debating the other night whether we'd put the crib in our bedroom or clear out the "TV room" (the other bedroom). Although I like the idea of having a nursery, I know if I'm breastfeeding the baby will pretty much be sleeping in our room the first few months anyway. And besides I really like not having a TV in the living room. So i don't know. But we just resigned our lease for the next year, so we're definitely not moving til next september, so we'll have to figure something out...
For a while I was kind of bummed that everyone basically gives Liz baby goods hand-over-fist just because she's the only person in our family with kids. I got kind of irate with my mom when I saw her giving Liz baby clothes that I wore. But now that I'm actually pregnant I sort of
I think O and I are already visually rearranging our apartment. We were debating the other night whether we'd put the crib in our bedroom or clear out the "TV room" (the other bedroom). Although I like the idea of having a nursery, I know if I'm breastfeeding the baby will pretty much be sleeping in our room the first few months anyway. And besides I really like not having a TV in the living room. So i don't know. But we just resigned our lease for the next year, so we're definitely not moving til next september, so we'll have to figure something out...
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