that's it for this blog...
thank you so much for following our baby's story, it makes me feel so much better to know that her life has touched so many people. anything else i could write would be my story and how we've coped with the loss of her and this blog was her story and so i feel that it wouldn't be right.
it is a great comfort to orion and i to know that so many people cared and loved our baby enough to follow us on here. when you have a miscarriage there is an overwhelming feeling that you want your child's life acknowledged, there's a sense that in your grief you want validation of your child's existence. the outpouring of support we've gotten here has sutained us.
thank you very much.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
the end
In the days before we lost our baby Orion and I had been bouncing names back and forth. We couldn’t agree on very many. Finally I suggested Jonah. I don’t know where it came from or why I thought of it, but it was one of very few that we both liked. “Isn’t there some kind of biblical story about Jonah?” Orion asked me on Thursday night, as we were both falling asleep. I couldn’t remember, “something about him getting swallowed by a giant whale and living inside of it” I answered, “Unless I’m confusing him with Pinnochio, wasn’t he swallowed by a whale too?” We decided to look it up when we had some time and went to sleep.
Sunday, the day after we found out the baby had passed, I asked Orion to try and find the story of Jonah. We didn’t even own a bible before that week. Orion’s been going to RCIA and they gave him one at his Tuesday night class. He read it aloud to me, and it was like something clicked in my brain. The story is about being tested and Jonah has to learn to trust. God asks Jonah to do something very difficult and Jonah tries to run away. It is only while he is in the dark belly of a fish at the bottom of the ocean does Jonah realize that he must do the thing he thinks he cannot do. He learns courage, but more importantly he learns mercy.
Right now, we are in the belly of a fish. The grief is so acute that it is like our breath is being sucked from our lungs. But in the midst of our grief there are also moments of extreme gratitude. We were chosen to be the parents of a being that was so perfect, she only needed to exist for a very short time to accomplish everything she needed to. We are so grateful for that. She taught me strength and perseverance. She taught me to be a mother. We learned how lucky we are to have such an amazing support network. We got to be parents for a very short time, but that does not make our child’s life inconsequential. If anything, it makes it more important.
The night before we found out our baby had died I said to Orion, “this has been the best month of my entire life. I wish I could just rewind and keep living October 2010 over and over again.”
I’m finding it difficult to lay out the events journalistically. Where did it go wrong? When did I know that we were never going to meet the baby that was growing inside of me? After re-reading this entire blog I know that in some way I always knew. Many entries seem to be advice I was writing for just this event, particularly the one about gratitude. It’s almost like I was comforting the future me, the one who was going to go in for an ultrasound on a Saturday morning and come out a completely different person.
This was a complicated pregnancy from the beginning. I remember watching that tiny heartbeat flicker on the screen at 6 weeks and having this feeling like it was so vulnerable, like I was so vulnerable. Did I know then? I remember having this horrible nightmare at 7 weeks that the baby had fallen out from inside of me. I woke up when someone said, “Don’t you get it? The baby is gone. You aren’t pregnant anymore.” It unsettled me, but did I know then? That would have been the week the baby died. I can’t help but think the dream was real. Especially when the ultrasound tech turned the screen on at 10 weeks and 3 days and all I saw was an empty sac. She seemed to think I was confused, that I had my dates mixed up. “I see a gestational sac, so you’re definitely pregnant, but it looks more like 5 weeks than 10.” I had to keep repeating that no, there had been a baby in there. I saw it. I saw its heart beating. How did it disappear? Where did it go?
When things like this happen, it’s tempting to try and take all the blame. I think people do this to try and feel powerful at a time when all of your power has been taken away. If I say, “I did this, I caused it” it allows me to feel some sense of control over what happened. But the reality I know deep down inside is that there was nothing anyone could do or not do to change anything. Rationally I know that, but emotionally I can’t help thinking about every single time I worked out at the gym, every time I stayed up too late, every cup of coffee I drank, every time I made love with my husband those tenuous first few weeks. There are so many things to feel guilty about, but more than anything else I regret the decisions I made about my healthcare. I let other people make me feel bad about myself and doubt my abilities as a mother. What would I do differently? What could I do differently? The answer is nothing because I had to learn from these things. I had to learn to trust myself and be my own advocate. I had to learn that no one knew my baby or my body better than I do. I had to learn to be easy on myself, and merciful.
On Halloween, my husband and I decided that there is no worse day in the entire year to lose a baby. While our thoughts couldn’t escape the tiny being that no longer existed inside of me, small children rang our doorbell all day. Our pain was palpable, visceral. We couldn’t escape the feeling that we were in some way being punished. Was God really so cruel? The day before, literally the day before we lost our baby the downstairs neighbors brought their newborn son home. So now, even as we wade through the complicated strains of grief we also have to listen to a newborn crying downstairs. Even when I dashed out to the corner store to buy tissue because we’d used every napkin, toilet tissue, and Kleenex in the entire house, I stood in line as the mother behind me repeatedly scolded her daughter who had the same name we’d chosen for our daughter. It seemed sick. Like a bad joke. Because I was on progesterone injections I maintained “pregnancy” symptoms all throughout this. Yesterday my morning sickness seemed especially cruel because I know there was no baby inside causing it.
I am the type of person who tries to eke out every glimmer I can. I needed to find things to be grateful for, I needed to feel like there was some purpose behind all of this. I could let myself cry and grieve but I needed to let go of the bitterness to make it to the other side. There’s just too much that can drive you crazy to think about. I needed to find things to be grateful for or the pain would destroy me; I needed to let go.
I started listing things I would always remember, small moments I could take from this and hold close. My husband’s face when I walked out of the bathroom holding the test, how we clung to each other and wept. Listening in when Orion told his parents. What it was like in the dining room when we told my family on Orion’s birthday. Holding my hands to my belly and the warmth of knowing we had made a new person. How the ultrasound tech touched my knee and quietly left the room so that my husband and I could grieve. There are things so personal and moments so intrinsic that they remade me. We are different people now, we are parents.
At first we were sorry we had told so many people. The number was overwhelming. I immediately vowed to never make that mistake again, but now I’m doubting that it was a mistake at all. In life there are no guarantees. At what point as a parent can you say, “okay, we made it this far, we don’t have to worry anymore”? Something can always go wrong. We could have lost our baby in the second trimester or the third. We could have announced that I was going into labor on facebook and then delivered a stillborn child, we could have lost a infant to SIDS. We could have lost a toddler to any number of things, we could have lost a grade-schooler, a high-schooler, an adult child. There is no “safe point” and as a parent you’re never out of the “danger zone.” It never gets easier or more justifiable. It is never easy to tell people that you’ve lost your child. But I am comforted by our families and our support network and, oddly enough, by the children in my life. I am so grateful for them. My nephews, my little niece- I am comforted by the tiny ways they empathize, by their humanity. My 3-year-old nephew Nick came up to me today and asked me how the baby died and where it went. As we talked about it, I think he sensed my distress and he put his little hand on mine and said, “My mom lost a baby inside of her, but then we got to have Lucy. You can have another baby.” My sister tried to shush him, but it was such a beautiful moment. So honest and true.
I know, even in my pain, that we will have other children. My husband is an amazing dad. We have so much to look forward to. I feel so lucky that I got to hold our first child so close to my heart, even for such a short amount of time. I feel lucky to have been her mother. I am grateful for my family. I have gratitude. I have hope.
Sunday, the day after we found out the baby had passed, I asked Orion to try and find the story of Jonah. We didn’t even own a bible before that week. Orion’s been going to RCIA and they gave him one at his Tuesday night class. He read it aloud to me, and it was like something clicked in my brain. The story is about being tested and Jonah has to learn to trust. God asks Jonah to do something very difficult and Jonah tries to run away. It is only while he is in the dark belly of a fish at the bottom of the ocean does Jonah realize that he must do the thing he thinks he cannot do. He learns courage, but more importantly he learns mercy.
Right now, we are in the belly of a fish. The grief is so acute that it is like our breath is being sucked from our lungs. But in the midst of our grief there are also moments of extreme gratitude. We were chosen to be the parents of a being that was so perfect, she only needed to exist for a very short time to accomplish everything she needed to. We are so grateful for that. She taught me strength and perseverance. She taught me to be a mother. We learned how lucky we are to have such an amazing support network. We got to be parents for a very short time, but that does not make our child’s life inconsequential. If anything, it makes it more important.
The night before we found out our baby had died I said to Orion, “this has been the best month of my entire life. I wish I could just rewind and keep living October 2010 over and over again.”
I’m finding it difficult to lay out the events journalistically. Where did it go wrong? When did I know that we were never going to meet the baby that was growing inside of me? After re-reading this entire blog I know that in some way I always knew. Many entries seem to be advice I was writing for just this event, particularly the one about gratitude. It’s almost like I was comforting the future me, the one who was going to go in for an ultrasound on a Saturday morning and come out a completely different person.
This was a complicated pregnancy from the beginning. I remember watching that tiny heartbeat flicker on the screen at 6 weeks and having this feeling like it was so vulnerable, like I was so vulnerable. Did I know then? I remember having this horrible nightmare at 7 weeks that the baby had fallen out from inside of me. I woke up when someone said, “Don’t you get it? The baby is gone. You aren’t pregnant anymore.” It unsettled me, but did I know then? That would have been the week the baby died. I can’t help but think the dream was real. Especially when the ultrasound tech turned the screen on at 10 weeks and 3 days and all I saw was an empty sac. She seemed to think I was confused, that I had my dates mixed up. “I see a gestational sac, so you’re definitely pregnant, but it looks more like 5 weeks than 10.” I had to keep repeating that no, there had been a baby in there. I saw it. I saw its heart beating. How did it disappear? Where did it go?
When things like this happen, it’s tempting to try and take all the blame. I think people do this to try and feel powerful at a time when all of your power has been taken away. If I say, “I did this, I caused it” it allows me to feel some sense of control over what happened. But the reality I know deep down inside is that there was nothing anyone could do or not do to change anything. Rationally I know that, but emotionally I can’t help thinking about every single time I worked out at the gym, every time I stayed up too late, every cup of coffee I drank, every time I made love with my husband those tenuous first few weeks. There are so many things to feel guilty about, but more than anything else I regret the decisions I made about my healthcare. I let other people make me feel bad about myself and doubt my abilities as a mother. What would I do differently? What could I do differently? The answer is nothing because I had to learn from these things. I had to learn to trust myself and be my own advocate. I had to learn that no one knew my baby or my body better than I do. I had to learn to be easy on myself, and merciful.
On Halloween, my husband and I decided that there is no worse day in the entire year to lose a baby. While our thoughts couldn’t escape the tiny being that no longer existed inside of me, small children rang our doorbell all day. Our pain was palpable, visceral. We couldn’t escape the feeling that we were in some way being punished. Was God really so cruel? The day before, literally the day before we lost our baby the downstairs neighbors brought their newborn son home. So now, even as we wade through the complicated strains of grief we also have to listen to a newborn crying downstairs. Even when I dashed out to the corner store to buy tissue because we’d used every napkin, toilet tissue, and Kleenex in the entire house, I stood in line as the mother behind me repeatedly scolded her daughter who had the same name we’d chosen for our daughter. It seemed sick. Like a bad joke. Because I was on progesterone injections I maintained “pregnancy” symptoms all throughout this. Yesterday my morning sickness seemed especially cruel because I know there was no baby inside causing it.
I am the type of person who tries to eke out every glimmer I can. I needed to find things to be grateful for, I needed to feel like there was some purpose behind all of this. I could let myself cry and grieve but I needed to let go of the bitterness to make it to the other side. There’s just too much that can drive you crazy to think about. I needed to find things to be grateful for or the pain would destroy me; I needed to let go.
I started listing things I would always remember, small moments I could take from this and hold close. My husband’s face when I walked out of the bathroom holding the test, how we clung to each other and wept. Listening in when Orion told his parents. What it was like in the dining room when we told my family on Orion’s birthday. Holding my hands to my belly and the warmth of knowing we had made a new person. How the ultrasound tech touched my knee and quietly left the room so that my husband and I could grieve. There are things so personal and moments so intrinsic that they remade me. We are different people now, we are parents.
At first we were sorry we had told so many people. The number was overwhelming. I immediately vowed to never make that mistake again, but now I’m doubting that it was a mistake at all. In life there are no guarantees. At what point as a parent can you say, “okay, we made it this far, we don’t have to worry anymore”? Something can always go wrong. We could have lost our baby in the second trimester or the third. We could have announced that I was going into labor on facebook and then delivered a stillborn child, we could have lost a infant to SIDS. We could have lost a toddler to any number of things, we could have lost a grade-schooler, a high-schooler, an adult child. There is no “safe point” and as a parent you’re never out of the “danger zone.” It never gets easier or more justifiable. It is never easy to tell people that you’ve lost your child. But I am comforted by our families and our support network and, oddly enough, by the children in my life. I am so grateful for them. My nephews, my little niece- I am comforted by the tiny ways they empathize, by their humanity. My 3-year-old nephew Nick came up to me today and asked me how the baby died and where it went. As we talked about it, I think he sensed my distress and he put his little hand on mine and said, “My mom lost a baby inside of her, but then we got to have Lucy. You can have another baby.” My sister tried to shush him, but it was such a beautiful moment. So honest and true.
I know, even in my pain, that we will have other children. My husband is an amazing dad. We have so much to look forward to. I feel so lucky that I got to hold our first child so close to my heart, even for such a short amount of time. I feel lucky to have been her mother. I am grateful for my family. I have gratitude. I have hope.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
the beginning of the end
It's finally over. We finished this morning.
in the week since we found out the baby had passed i spent a lot of time googling what a miscarriage would actually feel like. i was so afraid. and what i was able to find wasn't actually a lot of help. most of it was emotional and traumatic, but no one was ever able to describe in clinical terms what would happen. so i vowed to serve my fellow mothers-in-waiting by doing just that once i experienced it. i wanted to make sure than anyone who googled "what will my miscarriage feel like?" would get a clear answer; a step-by-step review of what happened. and now i can't.
what was it like? devastating. it was really the worst day of my entire life thus far. everyone wants to know why i didn't just get a D&C and get it over with, but i knew i could never do that. i'm someone who has to see it to believe it. i knew if i just went to sleep and woke up with my uterus scraped clean i would never be able to believe it. i'd still be hoping they were wrong, waiting for a miracle. still half believing i was pregnant. i also knew that i needed to experience this for closure. i also think that maybe deep down i wanted to punish myself. or maybe the opposite is true, maybe i wanted my power back; maybe i needed to know that my body was capable. i just know that i needed to do it this way.
i want to invite family and friends to stop reading here. this will get graphic and horrible and i fully intend to not hold back. fellow googlers- i cannot tell you what your miscarriage will be like because so much of it will be wrapped around the emotion of what is happening and that is different for every person. this blog is the story of our baby and this is where it draws to a close.
on saturday 10/30 we found out that the baby had passed. i spent a lot of time grieving and trying to get things started so that i could finish this. i stopped taking my progesterone that same day. on tuesday 11/2 i started spotting. by wednesday i had a flow that would be described as an average period flow. that went on until thursday night, when i started having horrible cramps. people told me to expect period-like cramping, but they were nothing like period cramps. it was horrible. my midwife called in a prescription for painkillers and i was taking 600 mg of advil every 6 hours. it was really bad. what does it feel like? it feels like there is a vise in your midsection squeezing your uterus. it's this horrible combination of pressure and pulling. i can't really describe it. it's not painful like a knife wound, it almost feels like there is a whirlpool in your pelvis trying to turn you inside out.
here's the thing i absolutely did NOT expect: when you miscarry you will have a sort of mini-labor. i've had this thing called a "chemical pregnancy" before and that was just like a period, maybe a little heavier, maybe a little crampier, but nothing like labor. this miscarriage was nothing like a chemical pregnancy.
here's where it gets gross: blood loss. the blood loss is something you cannot prepare yourself for. it is unbelievable. the clots that come out of you are huge, most will be about the size of a small plum, maybe a lime. it is truly terrifying. remember when you read the pregnancy books and they told you that by the 6th week your blood flow will be up almost 40%? well all of that has to come out-- and it's a lot. you will probably end up just sitting on the toilet because no sanitary pad can contain it. at the peak i was going through a pad every 20 minutes for a few hours. i spent much of the night heavily bleeding. luckily my amazing midwife checked in every few hours and helped me through it. by friday the flow had started to slow down. i began to think that maybe i was finished. then late on friday (maybe around 3:30-4) i began to have painful contractions that were like nothing i had ever experienced. i was literally doubled over. the painkillers got me high and took the edge off, but i could still feel the pressure on my cervix. when it first started a lot of clots were coming out, but then in spite of the contractions nothing was coming out. i could feel something pressing on my cervix, actually i could feel it sort of coming out. finally, going crazy from the pressure i reached inside to try and feel what was happening. my cervix was dilated to about the size of a nickle, which was insane to feel. i have never felt my cervix so open. and there was tissue poking out of it. i was in so much pain i thought that maybe i could just pull the tissue out and be done with it. i started to pull it and instead of coming out, a large piece tore off. it was part of the placenta.
i cannot fully describe my state of mind after that. i started to lose it. i was terrified that i had horribly fucked something up by trying to pull it out and it felt like it was just stuck there, plugging up my uterus like a cork. i paged the midwife on call who was a total moron, "ok hun, what's happening is you're having a miscarriage and you're going to see a lot of tissue come out of you and that might be scary..." ugh, no help at all. did she even listen to my question? then i called my doula friend carissa who was helpful and said i didn't have to worry about anything getting infected, my body would take care of itself if i just waited. but for godssake do not put your hand up there anymore!
then thank goodness my amazing midwife Gina called just after and talked me down off the ledge. i needed to take more painkillers and some ambien and try to get some sleep. i couldn't force it to happen, i needed to wait and try and be patient.
i did just that, and passed out around 10. the painkillers made me crazy though, and i kept hallucinating horrible things like the devil sneaking into my room telling me my baby was with him and laughing. i'm not sure how much sleep i actually got. orion said i kept waking up crying about demons. i do not tolerate painkillers very well.
i woke up saturday morning around 10:30 in the worst pain of my entire life. seriously, i always thought i had a pretty high pain tolerance before this, but i think the combination of being scared and incredibly emotional made the whole thing just unbearable. the contractions were coming hard and fast. i reached inside (sorry carissa) and could feel something the size of a tennis ball, or maybe a lemon pressing against my cervix. the pressure wreaked havoc on my bowels. i won't go into that too much, but suffice to say i was on the toilet for more than just blood loss. every time i had a contraction i had a bowel movement. this went on for about an hour. finally i turned on the shower as hot as it would go and got on my hands and knees so that the spray was hitting my lower back. i rocked back and forth and tried to focus on pushing it out. although the hot water was comforting the pain killers started to kick in full force and i was feeling this pressure like i needed to be able to open my legs more. i got back on the toilet and felt something change. i knew it was coming out.
i started to really push and all of the sudden it fell out. it was such an emotional moment for us. we just both started sobbing. it was all over. i looked down into the toilet, it was about the size of a lemon. orion and i tried to clean everything up as best as we could (my bathroom looked like a murder scene) but i was so exhausted all i could think about was holding a heating pad to my pelvis and going to sleep.
as of 11/6 i was no longer pregnant. we said goodbye to the baby and the pregnancy and we held each other and cried.
in the week since we found out the baby had passed i spent a lot of time googling what a miscarriage would actually feel like. i was so afraid. and what i was able to find wasn't actually a lot of help. most of it was emotional and traumatic, but no one was ever able to describe in clinical terms what would happen. so i vowed to serve my fellow mothers-in-waiting by doing just that once i experienced it. i wanted to make sure than anyone who googled "what will my miscarriage feel like?" would get a clear answer; a step-by-step review of what happened. and now i can't.
what was it like? devastating. it was really the worst day of my entire life thus far. everyone wants to know why i didn't just get a D&C and get it over with, but i knew i could never do that. i'm someone who has to see it to believe it. i knew if i just went to sleep and woke up with my uterus scraped clean i would never be able to believe it. i'd still be hoping they were wrong, waiting for a miracle. still half believing i was pregnant. i also knew that i needed to experience this for closure. i also think that maybe deep down i wanted to punish myself. or maybe the opposite is true, maybe i wanted my power back; maybe i needed to know that my body was capable. i just know that i needed to do it this way.
i want to invite family and friends to stop reading here. this will get graphic and horrible and i fully intend to not hold back. fellow googlers- i cannot tell you what your miscarriage will be like because so much of it will be wrapped around the emotion of what is happening and that is different for every person. this blog is the story of our baby and this is where it draws to a close.
on saturday 10/30 we found out that the baby had passed. i spent a lot of time grieving and trying to get things started so that i could finish this. i stopped taking my progesterone that same day. on tuesday 11/2 i started spotting. by wednesday i had a flow that would be described as an average period flow. that went on until thursday night, when i started having horrible cramps. people told me to expect period-like cramping, but they were nothing like period cramps. it was horrible. my midwife called in a prescription for painkillers and i was taking 600 mg of advil every 6 hours. it was really bad. what does it feel like? it feels like there is a vise in your midsection squeezing your uterus. it's this horrible combination of pressure and pulling. i can't really describe it. it's not painful like a knife wound, it almost feels like there is a whirlpool in your pelvis trying to turn you inside out.
here's the thing i absolutely did NOT expect: when you miscarry you will have a sort of mini-labor. i've had this thing called a "chemical pregnancy" before and that was just like a period, maybe a little heavier, maybe a little crampier, but nothing like labor. this miscarriage was nothing like a chemical pregnancy.
here's where it gets gross: blood loss. the blood loss is something you cannot prepare yourself for. it is unbelievable. the clots that come out of you are huge, most will be about the size of a small plum, maybe a lime. it is truly terrifying. remember when you read the pregnancy books and they told you that by the 6th week your blood flow will be up almost 40%? well all of that has to come out-- and it's a lot. you will probably end up just sitting on the toilet because no sanitary pad can contain it. at the peak i was going through a pad every 20 minutes for a few hours. i spent much of the night heavily bleeding. luckily my amazing midwife checked in every few hours and helped me through it. by friday the flow had started to slow down. i began to think that maybe i was finished. then late on friday (maybe around 3:30-4) i began to have painful contractions that were like nothing i had ever experienced. i was literally doubled over. the painkillers got me high and took the edge off, but i could still feel the pressure on my cervix. when it first started a lot of clots were coming out, but then in spite of the contractions nothing was coming out. i could feel something pressing on my cervix, actually i could feel it sort of coming out. finally, going crazy from the pressure i reached inside to try and feel what was happening. my cervix was dilated to about the size of a nickle, which was insane to feel. i have never felt my cervix so open. and there was tissue poking out of it. i was in so much pain i thought that maybe i could just pull the tissue out and be done with it. i started to pull it and instead of coming out, a large piece tore off. it was part of the placenta.
i cannot fully describe my state of mind after that. i started to lose it. i was terrified that i had horribly fucked something up by trying to pull it out and it felt like it was just stuck there, plugging up my uterus like a cork. i paged the midwife on call who was a total moron, "ok hun, what's happening is you're having a miscarriage and you're going to see a lot of tissue come out of you and that might be scary..." ugh, no help at all. did she even listen to my question? then i called my doula friend carissa who was helpful and said i didn't have to worry about anything getting infected, my body would take care of itself if i just waited. but for godssake do not put your hand up there anymore!
then thank goodness my amazing midwife Gina called just after and talked me down off the ledge. i needed to take more painkillers and some ambien and try to get some sleep. i couldn't force it to happen, i needed to wait and try and be patient.
i did just that, and passed out around 10. the painkillers made me crazy though, and i kept hallucinating horrible things like the devil sneaking into my room telling me my baby was with him and laughing. i'm not sure how much sleep i actually got. orion said i kept waking up crying about demons. i do not tolerate painkillers very well.
i woke up saturday morning around 10:30 in the worst pain of my entire life. seriously, i always thought i had a pretty high pain tolerance before this, but i think the combination of being scared and incredibly emotional made the whole thing just unbearable. the contractions were coming hard and fast. i reached inside (sorry carissa) and could feel something the size of a tennis ball, or maybe a lemon pressing against my cervix. the pressure wreaked havoc on my bowels. i won't go into that too much, but suffice to say i was on the toilet for more than just blood loss. every time i had a contraction i had a bowel movement. this went on for about an hour. finally i turned on the shower as hot as it would go and got on my hands and knees so that the spray was hitting my lower back. i rocked back and forth and tried to focus on pushing it out. although the hot water was comforting the pain killers started to kick in full force and i was feeling this pressure like i needed to be able to open my legs more. i got back on the toilet and felt something change. i knew it was coming out.
i started to really push and all of the sudden it fell out. it was such an emotional moment for us. we just both started sobbing. it was all over. i looked down into the toilet, it was about the size of a lemon. orion and i tried to clean everything up as best as we could (my bathroom looked like a murder scene) but i was so exhausted all i could think about was holding a heating pad to my pelvis and going to sleep.
as of 11/6 i was no longer pregnant. we said goodbye to the baby and the pregnancy and we held each other and cried.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
now what?
now what?
what do i do with my days? people send me emails, cards, texts- "what are you doing? are you ok?" how do i answer? what can i answer? everything i can say back is a lie. am i ok? do we need help? you're sorry? what can i write back, everytime i try and open my mouth there are no words. i don't even know where to begin. when did it go wrong? a story should have a beginning, a middle and an end; it should be mathmatical and the equation should add up and make sense. there should be steps to follow, and if the answer is wrong you should just be able to check your work, see line 5 where you mixed your numbers up. you should be able to see your mistake. there's no sense in this, no misstep, no place to go back and read over your work. I keep looking back at this blog, seeing now what i should have seen then. that would have been the week the baby died. it was the worst kind of optimism to try and think i had some control over this, that positivity would see us through.
now what? what are my days like now?
i go to work. i take care of children. on monday morning i babysat a 9-day-old infant premie. he was so tiny and perfect. when his mom got home she said, "this must be kind of exciting for you! you'll have one of these in another 6 months!" and i had to tell her. i didn't even get choked up. i just told her. i even said i was grateful in a weird way, that nature takes care of itself. then i went home and stayed in bed all day.
we went to the gym. i sat in the hot tub for over an hour, getting out and jumping in the pool every 15 minutes to make sure i didn't overheat. i sat in the steam room. listened to the asian girls talk about their boyfriends and their weekend plans. orion lifted weights, tore up muscles he didn't know he had. punished himself.
i take care of the twins i watch. hug them, read stories. yesterday we took a walk and collected leaves- made an art project. i know some people find it difficult to be around children when something like this happens, but i find it very therapeutic. i've always loved kids.
i do a lot of tuning out- i tune out pregnancy subplots on TV, i tune out songs on the radio that orion used to sing to my stomach. i tune out well meaning people who want to tell me about their sister's cousin who had a still birth baby and isn't that a lot worse than a miscarriage? i tune out other people's miscarriage stories. i tune out phrases like "it's for the best" and "thank god it happened this early" and "don't worry you can try again." i don't want to hear about anyone else's dead babies, i don't want to feel guilty that this 10 week loss has obliterated me when stronger women lose infants and get pregnant again in a month. i don't care, it doesn't make me feel better and it's starting to make me angry. please stop telling me about your dead babies and let me grieve for my own.
i pack things away. compartmentalize. leave the online group for babies due in may, join one for infant loss and miscarriage support. pack up all the pregnancy books and maternity clothes and baby stuff. hide it in our storage locker in the basement. filter emails from isabella oliver, in due time, potterybarn kids, land of nod, your preganancy this week. block amazon.com suggestions. i go through my cell phone calender and organizer- delete all my prenatal appointments. all the milestones. try and forget that Thanksgiving would have been the first day of my second trimester (14 weeks) that we would have gotten our gender anatomy scan 2 days before christmas (18 weeks). i left may 25th marked. i'll deal with that later. i read books, go online and gather information: what will it feel like? will it hurt? what will it look like when it comes out? should i take cytotec, get a d&c?
that's probably the most important thing i do- try and let go. more than anything else i want to let this pregnancy end in it's own time, in its own way. i spent weeks holing it up in there for my own stupid sense of security. orion and i planned a natural birth, looked up bradley classes, talked about how we'd never induce, never force things. to do so now feels like a sham. i don't want to rip everything out in one fell swoop, pretend it never existed. i want to be respectful of the child we thought we had. it sounds crazy, i know. there's hardly a baby in there anymore. the radiology report called it "the products of conception." psychologically its driving me mad that it's still in there. nature should have released it. as much as i want to do it naturally, i know i won't make it more than a week.
so that's what i do- sit in the hot tub, lay in the steam room. try and relax myself, my muscles, my body, my heart. drink coffee, take red raspberry leaf tablets and evening primrose oil. sit with the heating pad on my abdomen. do yoga poses to encourage my cervix to open. wait. wait. wait. tell the baby i'm sorry i kept it in there so long. love my uterus, let go. encourage nature to take over. make appeals to the universe. and cry. really more than anything i cry. and i miss my baby.
what do i do with my days? people send me emails, cards, texts- "what are you doing? are you ok?" how do i answer? what can i answer? everything i can say back is a lie. am i ok? do we need help? you're sorry? what can i write back, everytime i try and open my mouth there are no words. i don't even know where to begin. when did it go wrong? a story should have a beginning, a middle and an end; it should be mathmatical and the equation should add up and make sense. there should be steps to follow, and if the answer is wrong you should just be able to check your work, see line 5 where you mixed your numbers up. you should be able to see your mistake. there's no sense in this, no misstep, no place to go back and read over your work. I keep looking back at this blog, seeing now what i should have seen then. that would have been the week the baby died. it was the worst kind of optimism to try and think i had some control over this, that positivity would see us through.
now what? what are my days like now?
i go to work. i take care of children. on monday morning i babysat a 9-day-old infant premie. he was so tiny and perfect. when his mom got home she said, "this must be kind of exciting for you! you'll have one of these in another 6 months!" and i had to tell her. i didn't even get choked up. i just told her. i even said i was grateful in a weird way, that nature takes care of itself. then i went home and stayed in bed all day.
we went to the gym. i sat in the hot tub for over an hour, getting out and jumping in the pool every 15 minutes to make sure i didn't overheat. i sat in the steam room. listened to the asian girls talk about their boyfriends and their weekend plans. orion lifted weights, tore up muscles he didn't know he had. punished himself.
i take care of the twins i watch. hug them, read stories. yesterday we took a walk and collected leaves- made an art project. i know some people find it difficult to be around children when something like this happens, but i find it very therapeutic. i've always loved kids.
i do a lot of tuning out- i tune out pregnancy subplots on TV, i tune out songs on the radio that orion used to sing to my stomach. i tune out well meaning people who want to tell me about their sister's cousin who had a still birth baby and isn't that a lot worse than a miscarriage? i tune out other people's miscarriage stories. i tune out phrases like "it's for the best" and "thank god it happened this early" and "don't worry you can try again." i don't want to hear about anyone else's dead babies, i don't want to feel guilty that this 10 week loss has obliterated me when stronger women lose infants and get pregnant again in a month. i don't care, it doesn't make me feel better and it's starting to make me angry. please stop telling me about your dead babies and let me grieve for my own.
i pack things away. compartmentalize. leave the online group for babies due in may, join one for infant loss and miscarriage support. pack up all the pregnancy books and maternity clothes and baby stuff. hide it in our storage locker in the basement. filter emails from isabella oliver, in due time, potterybarn kids, land of nod, your preganancy this week. block amazon.com suggestions. i go through my cell phone calender and organizer- delete all my prenatal appointments. all the milestones. try and forget that Thanksgiving would have been the first day of my second trimester (14 weeks) that we would have gotten our gender anatomy scan 2 days before christmas (18 weeks). i left may 25th marked. i'll deal with that later. i read books, go online and gather information: what will it feel like? will it hurt? what will it look like when it comes out? should i take cytotec, get a d&c?
that's probably the most important thing i do- try and let go. more than anything else i want to let this pregnancy end in it's own time, in its own way. i spent weeks holing it up in there for my own stupid sense of security. orion and i planned a natural birth, looked up bradley classes, talked about how we'd never induce, never force things. to do so now feels like a sham. i don't want to rip everything out in one fell swoop, pretend it never existed. i want to be respectful of the child we thought we had. it sounds crazy, i know. there's hardly a baby in there anymore. the radiology report called it "the products of conception." psychologically its driving me mad that it's still in there. nature should have released it. as much as i want to do it naturally, i know i won't make it more than a week.
so that's what i do- sit in the hot tub, lay in the steam room. try and relax myself, my muscles, my body, my heart. drink coffee, take red raspberry leaf tablets and evening primrose oil. sit with the heating pad on my abdomen. do yoga poses to encourage my cervix to open. wait. wait. wait. tell the baby i'm sorry i kept it in there so long. love my uterus, let go. encourage nature to take over. make appeals to the universe. and cry. really more than anything i cry. and i miss my baby.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
saying goodbye
how can i write what happened next?
when you're going through what may very well be the worst day of your life there's a part of you that wants to memorize every detail, engrave it in your mind so it can have the kind of permenance it deserves. but then there's an overwhelming feeling of dreaminess, like cuting through the water at the bottom of a pool. there's this need to protect yourself, to forget everything. to pretend the last 10 weeks have been a dream. the last year has been a dream. everything is a dream.
i can't say that everything i think happened happened exactly this way, all i can do is try and go through the days one by one and revisit what i remember.
on thursday night my friend sara arrived to spend the weekend with us. i was at choir practice when she and o picked me up. i was so excited to see her. i remember the choir director was complaining that i was taking too many breaths in the wrong places of the song. i almost told him i was pregnant, not that that had anything to do with it, but it had to do with everything then. every moment, every movement. i held back and didn't say it.
sara and o and i headed back to the house, ate a late dinner, talked late and went to bed. on friday i managed to get an ultrasound appointment for the next morning. i remember thinking, "maybe i should wait til after halloween so it isn't spoiled" but i brushed it off and was grateful that it was a saturday appt so that my husband could come with and finally see the baby. we had a dinner party for sara that night. it was amazing. if i could just go back to that night and live inside of it. i'd live that night forever. i was so happy to have my husband and my amazing friends and i was literally glowing all night. we laughed, we ate, we played guitar. we headed out to the karaoke bar at a little after midnight and when we got there o and i told everyone about the baby. it was amazing. i wish something had happened, i wish our lives had just stopped there.
the appointment for the ultrasound was at 7:15 AM. we'd gone to bed a little after 3 and i was in the bathroom most of the night because singing and talking had parched me and i'd had about 6 bottles of water. before the ultrasound i was supposed to drink 32 ounces of water and not pee for an hour.
o and i were so exhausted. we went to reception to check in and while we were sitting there the receptionist's computer froze. so we sat there for a good 10-15 minutes. at one point, not able to hold it any longer, i got up to use the restroom. when i came back and sat down in front of the desk with o, he pointed to the word "DELL" on the computer and said "can you imagine? our baby is as big as that D there. can you imagine that little D inside of you with squiggly arms and legs moving around in there?"
what did i respond? what did i say back? i honestly can't remember. was it really nothing? did i say anything to him when he said that? is that when i knew something was wrong?
after reception we headed into the radiology dept and had to wait some more. i got up to use the bathroom again and when i came out o and the radiology tech were standing outside the door. she was kind of pissed i used the bathroom and i told her i just went a little, i swear, just enough to take the edge off.
we went into the room and she asked me what my due date was and i told her it was the end of may, a gemini. i remember saying if it came out a taurus i'd have to push it back in. she told me her and her son were geminis. she made a joke about it and i told her to stop making me laugh or i'd pee all over her table. she said they were used to it.
when she put the transducer on my abdomen i thought i saw movement, i exhaled and said, "there he is!" and she visibly flinched. i remember the exact lines around her eyes when i said that. i remember the curve of her back and how she seemed to get shorter. i knew then.
"Are you sure about your dates?" she asked "because i definitely see a sac, but it looks more like 5 or 6 weeks"
what did i say? i'm sure i told her about the ultrasound at 6 weeks, how i saw the heartbeat. how that tech turned the screen towards me and showed me that little pulse. she used thermal imaging so i could get a better idea of the size and where the heartbeat was. she told me my dates were spot on. i watched the pulse for what seemed like forever. i think i even asked where i could buy one of these machines. but what did i say when this tech asked me? nothing? everything?
she said she needed to do a transvaginal, to get undressed and lay down. she left the room. i looked at orion. what did i say? did i tell him it was over or did i only think it? his face was a mirror of my own. we both started crying.
she came back and inserted the ultrasound wand. i watched the screen for a moment, for a miracle and turned away when i started sobbing. was that me crying or orion? who touched my leg? the tech or my husband? did she look at him? did she tell us she was sorry. what happened? what actual words were spoken? all i remember was the way the examining table was against the wall and the sound my sobs made bouncing back off it.
at some point she got what she needed and left. and then what? what did my husband and i say to each other? did i get dressed? did i get up? how long did it take? at some point she knocked to come back in and i told her i wasn't dressed yet. or my husband did. and she went away again. we held each other and wept.
she came back and said she had paged my midwife, she asked if we could go back to the reception area and wait. at first i started to walk towards it and then i stopped. i couldn't. all those women with their big round bellies, all waiting to see their babies. i would be a train wreck, an atom bomb in the middle of the room for them. their worst nightmare sitting across from them. orion and i sat outside the exam room next to water cooler. at some point someone came up to fill their water bottle and apologized for intruding.
what did we do while we sat there? i lost all sense of time and language. i remember the feel of my husband's hand in mine. i remember his face looked exactly like mine. i remember the carpet was dirty and the chair was a little too small. the sound the water cooler made, how i thought my chest was making that dropping noise. the nurses who didn't look at us sitting there. how long were we sitting there?
the tech came back, asked if we could pick up the phone in recpetion. we could not. she led us to the nurses office and we sat at a desk and picked up the phone. the midwife was one i hadn't met before. what did she say? "grace" someone had told her my name. "i'm so sorry" and then i broke. i have nothing after that. what did she say? what did i say? all i remember was crying.
i tried to get myself in order. we had to walk down the hall and out the door and past the maternity area. i put on my sunglasses and we left.
when we got the car i called my mom. i can't remember what i said, what she said. she picked up on the second ring, it was like she was waiting to hear from me. "mom-" i choked out. she knew before i even said the words, she started crying before i did. we went home and i had to wake sara up, tell her what happened, ask her to stay somewhere else. what i say to her? what were the actual words i used? she packed her things and made a phone call. at some point she tried to crack a joke and i remember the weirdness of the sound, her hair all mussed. it was a little after 9AM.
O and i tried to go back to sleep. we were exhausted. we clung to each other and sobbed. i cried even in my sleep. my eyelashes stuck together when i woke up. i had a dream. i woke up saying, "don't go little buddy." my husband broke.
I hadn't eaten, i couldn't eat but i still had all my pregnancy symptoms because i was taking the progesterone. my morning sickness kicked in and i started throwing up. i couldn't stop. i kept dry heaving. i laid down on the bathroom floor. orion said something about the cruelty of pregnancy symptoms. about cruelty. about god. i took some ambien and finally passed out.
i got up sure there had been a mistake. something was not right. i saw that baby at six weeks. i had a picture of it. where did it go? i paged the midwife on call. when she called me back i wasn't crying, or i was but i didn't want to be. "i know that baby was in there! i saw it!" she talked to me about the progesterone, asked me why i wanted this ultrasound, had pushed for it so badly. i remember my own words to Gina (the other midwife) the day before: "i just have this nagging feeling like the baby has passed and my body can't miscarry it because of the progesterone. i just can't shake it. i feel like there isn't even a baby in there anymore." had i really been right? where did that come from? i remember asking if the progesterone injections would force the baby to stay in me if it passed and Gina trying to reassure me.
the baby had passed, and because my body couldn't eliminate it it had started to reabsorb it. I asked the midwife on call to read me the radiology report. "decomposing... misshapen sac... measuring approx. 5 weeks... no fetal heartbeat... no fetal pole... blood in the uterus" she stopped. "do you understand?" i didn't. "is it possible that i lost the baby when i was spotting and got pregnant again and this is a new sac, a new pregnancy?" no, that wasn't possible. maybe i didn't even say that. maybe i just asked if there could be a mistake, if the baby could be hiding, if maybe they couldn't see it because i was so fat. i said everything, or maybe i just thought it. i can't remember.
we went for a drive. i sent an email to my girlfriends. i got phonecalls all day and didn't answer them. we laid in bed. we watched Adams Family movies and Farenheit 9/11. we cried all day. we held each other and cried all day. i wouldn't let orion touch my stomach, i kept catching myself about to rub my belly. we told the baby we loved it. we told her we were so happy we got to be her parents. we said goodbye.
when you're going through what may very well be the worst day of your life there's a part of you that wants to memorize every detail, engrave it in your mind so it can have the kind of permenance it deserves. but then there's an overwhelming feeling of dreaminess, like cuting through the water at the bottom of a pool. there's this need to protect yourself, to forget everything. to pretend the last 10 weeks have been a dream. the last year has been a dream. everything is a dream.
i can't say that everything i think happened happened exactly this way, all i can do is try and go through the days one by one and revisit what i remember.
on thursday night my friend sara arrived to spend the weekend with us. i was at choir practice when she and o picked me up. i was so excited to see her. i remember the choir director was complaining that i was taking too many breaths in the wrong places of the song. i almost told him i was pregnant, not that that had anything to do with it, but it had to do with everything then. every moment, every movement. i held back and didn't say it.
sara and o and i headed back to the house, ate a late dinner, talked late and went to bed. on friday i managed to get an ultrasound appointment for the next morning. i remember thinking, "maybe i should wait til after halloween so it isn't spoiled" but i brushed it off and was grateful that it was a saturday appt so that my husband could come with and finally see the baby. we had a dinner party for sara that night. it was amazing. if i could just go back to that night and live inside of it. i'd live that night forever. i was so happy to have my husband and my amazing friends and i was literally glowing all night. we laughed, we ate, we played guitar. we headed out to the karaoke bar at a little after midnight and when we got there o and i told everyone about the baby. it was amazing. i wish something had happened, i wish our lives had just stopped there.
the appointment for the ultrasound was at 7:15 AM. we'd gone to bed a little after 3 and i was in the bathroom most of the night because singing and talking had parched me and i'd had about 6 bottles of water. before the ultrasound i was supposed to drink 32 ounces of water and not pee for an hour.
o and i were so exhausted. we went to reception to check in and while we were sitting there the receptionist's computer froze. so we sat there for a good 10-15 minutes. at one point, not able to hold it any longer, i got up to use the restroom. when i came back and sat down in front of the desk with o, he pointed to the word "DELL" on the computer and said "can you imagine? our baby is as big as that D there. can you imagine that little D inside of you with squiggly arms and legs moving around in there?"
what did i respond? what did i say back? i honestly can't remember. was it really nothing? did i say anything to him when he said that? is that when i knew something was wrong?
after reception we headed into the radiology dept and had to wait some more. i got up to use the bathroom again and when i came out o and the radiology tech were standing outside the door. she was kind of pissed i used the bathroom and i told her i just went a little, i swear, just enough to take the edge off.
we went into the room and she asked me what my due date was and i told her it was the end of may, a gemini. i remember saying if it came out a taurus i'd have to push it back in. she told me her and her son were geminis. she made a joke about it and i told her to stop making me laugh or i'd pee all over her table. she said they were used to it.
when she put the transducer on my abdomen i thought i saw movement, i exhaled and said, "there he is!" and she visibly flinched. i remember the exact lines around her eyes when i said that. i remember the curve of her back and how she seemed to get shorter. i knew then.
"Are you sure about your dates?" she asked "because i definitely see a sac, but it looks more like 5 or 6 weeks"
what did i say? i'm sure i told her about the ultrasound at 6 weeks, how i saw the heartbeat. how that tech turned the screen towards me and showed me that little pulse. she used thermal imaging so i could get a better idea of the size and where the heartbeat was. she told me my dates were spot on. i watched the pulse for what seemed like forever. i think i even asked where i could buy one of these machines. but what did i say when this tech asked me? nothing? everything?
she said she needed to do a transvaginal, to get undressed and lay down. she left the room. i looked at orion. what did i say? did i tell him it was over or did i only think it? his face was a mirror of my own. we both started crying.
she came back and inserted the ultrasound wand. i watched the screen for a moment, for a miracle and turned away when i started sobbing. was that me crying or orion? who touched my leg? the tech or my husband? did she look at him? did she tell us she was sorry. what happened? what actual words were spoken? all i remember was the way the examining table was against the wall and the sound my sobs made bouncing back off it.
at some point she got what she needed and left. and then what? what did my husband and i say to each other? did i get dressed? did i get up? how long did it take? at some point she knocked to come back in and i told her i wasn't dressed yet. or my husband did. and she went away again. we held each other and wept.
she came back and said she had paged my midwife, she asked if we could go back to the reception area and wait. at first i started to walk towards it and then i stopped. i couldn't. all those women with their big round bellies, all waiting to see their babies. i would be a train wreck, an atom bomb in the middle of the room for them. their worst nightmare sitting across from them. orion and i sat outside the exam room next to water cooler. at some point someone came up to fill their water bottle and apologized for intruding.
what did we do while we sat there? i lost all sense of time and language. i remember the feel of my husband's hand in mine. i remember his face looked exactly like mine. i remember the carpet was dirty and the chair was a little too small. the sound the water cooler made, how i thought my chest was making that dropping noise. the nurses who didn't look at us sitting there. how long were we sitting there?
the tech came back, asked if we could pick up the phone in recpetion. we could not. she led us to the nurses office and we sat at a desk and picked up the phone. the midwife was one i hadn't met before. what did she say? "grace" someone had told her my name. "i'm so sorry" and then i broke. i have nothing after that. what did she say? what did i say? all i remember was crying.
i tried to get myself in order. we had to walk down the hall and out the door and past the maternity area. i put on my sunglasses and we left.
when we got the car i called my mom. i can't remember what i said, what she said. she picked up on the second ring, it was like she was waiting to hear from me. "mom-" i choked out. she knew before i even said the words, she started crying before i did. we went home and i had to wake sara up, tell her what happened, ask her to stay somewhere else. what i say to her? what were the actual words i used? she packed her things and made a phone call. at some point she tried to crack a joke and i remember the weirdness of the sound, her hair all mussed. it was a little after 9AM.
O and i tried to go back to sleep. we were exhausted. we clung to each other and sobbed. i cried even in my sleep. my eyelashes stuck together when i woke up. i had a dream. i woke up saying, "don't go little buddy." my husband broke.
I hadn't eaten, i couldn't eat but i still had all my pregnancy symptoms because i was taking the progesterone. my morning sickness kicked in and i started throwing up. i couldn't stop. i kept dry heaving. i laid down on the bathroom floor. orion said something about the cruelty of pregnancy symptoms. about cruelty. about god. i took some ambien and finally passed out.
i got up sure there had been a mistake. something was not right. i saw that baby at six weeks. i had a picture of it. where did it go? i paged the midwife on call. when she called me back i wasn't crying, or i was but i didn't want to be. "i know that baby was in there! i saw it!" she talked to me about the progesterone, asked me why i wanted this ultrasound, had pushed for it so badly. i remember my own words to Gina (the other midwife) the day before: "i just have this nagging feeling like the baby has passed and my body can't miscarry it because of the progesterone. i just can't shake it. i feel like there isn't even a baby in there anymore." had i really been right? where did that come from? i remember asking if the progesterone injections would force the baby to stay in me if it passed and Gina trying to reassure me.
the baby had passed, and because my body couldn't eliminate it it had started to reabsorb it. I asked the midwife on call to read me the radiology report. "decomposing... misshapen sac... measuring approx. 5 weeks... no fetal heartbeat... no fetal pole... blood in the uterus" she stopped. "do you understand?" i didn't. "is it possible that i lost the baby when i was spotting and got pregnant again and this is a new sac, a new pregnancy?" no, that wasn't possible. maybe i didn't even say that. maybe i just asked if there could be a mistake, if the baby could be hiding, if maybe they couldn't see it because i was so fat. i said everything, or maybe i just thought it. i can't remember.
we went for a drive. i sent an email to my girlfriends. i got phonecalls all day and didn't answer them. we laid in bed. we watched Adams Family movies and Farenheit 9/11. we cried all day. we held each other and cried all day. i wouldn't let orion touch my stomach, i kept catching myself about to rub my belly. we told the baby we loved it. we told her we were so happy we got to be her parents. we said goodbye.
Friday, October 29, 2010
more HMO/ultrasound drama
So, in summary, tuesday I went in to see the midwife after spotting all weekend . She couldn't find a heartbeat on the doppler and said she would talk to my HMO and get payment for an ultrasound. wednesday she called me back and said she turned in all the paperwork and we should have an answer ASAP because she marked it urgent. She gave me her pager number but said she had the next 2 days off but had given all the necessary hmo info to the office manager who would call me the second we had approval. Thursday morning I called to see if the fax had come in and the office told me it had not. I spent the day shopping with my mom and cleaning house getting ready for my bff Sara's weekend visit. Finally at 4PM I called the office again and left a message. At 4:55 (five minutes before the office closed) I finally got a call saying they recieved the approval number and here's your payment approval number to give the ultrasound place. So I quickly called the ultrasound place to make an appointment. First they said the soonest they could get me in would be Nov 4th. Then I told them that my midwife wanted the ultrasound to determine fetal viability and I was bleeding and needed it, like, yesterday. So they told me they could squeeze me in at 7:15 AM on saturday morning. That was great because then O could come with me.
Every seemed to be working until she said, "wait, I can't book this appointment because of a credit hold on your name" what? what the fuck? seriously? So she told me she'd hold the appointment time for me but I had to clear up a credit problem before they'd agree to see me. So she gave me the number and we said good day.
Today (friday), I called the payment credit department SIX times before noon and left multiple (increasingly urgent) messages and still no call back. Finally I called back the ultrasound department to see if my appointment was being held and to see if they'd recieved the payment fax from my HMO. They hadn't and they hadn't. At this point I was rapidly reaching the end of my fraying rope. As soon as I started talking tough she transferred me to credit services, so I got tough with her, and she transferred to someone who knew what they were talking about. In 2004-2005 I had a severe peptic ulcer and had to recieve several ultrasounds and medications. The last ultrasound they gave me in 2005 was denied by my insurance because it's purpose was to determine if the ulcer was adequately healing. Last I heard (as a freaking 20-year-old) was that the hospital was appealing the decision because it was deemed a medically neccessary procedure. I thought that was that. Come to find out that the insurance agreed to pay 80% of the bill leaving me with the other 20% (about $300). I understand I should've followed up with this, and I take responsibility for that, but to deny a bleeding pregnant woman a fetal viability ultrasound just seems callous and cruel. Really. So I spent much of the morning being transferred from office to office repeating that no, I could not afford to pay off this 6-year-old balance today and yes, I was going to get my ultrasound tomorrow. Finally, maybe 3 transfers in, I totally snapped. I started full-on sobbing and threatening to sue them. Finally when I said, "so apprently swedish covenent will not allow me to recieve adequate prenatal care because I have an outstanding credit bill?" they transferred me to someone important. Suddenly things changed, this guy was so polite and understanding and deeply apologized for such insensitivity, very apologetic and all "of course you can get your ultrasound tomorrow, I'm so sorry you had to deal with all this at such a fragile time." These fucking pricks. Seriously. I could not believe it.
Now tonight I am having a 12 person dinner party to celebrate my friend Sara. I feel like I've been whacked with a shit-ton of bricks. My face hurts from crying so hard. I'm exhausted and sick and I feel like the fatest mcfaterson that ever fated my hair is disgusting and I have to pull it all together. Seriously I'm so emotional all I want to do is lock myself in a dark room and watch the godfather trilogy. uuuuuggggghhhh. hopefully I can get it together in the next 5 hours.
Every seemed to be working until she said, "wait, I can't book this appointment because of a credit hold on your name" what? what the fuck? seriously? So she told me she'd hold the appointment time for me but I had to clear up a credit problem before they'd agree to see me. So she gave me the number and we said good day.
Today (friday), I called the payment credit department SIX times before noon and left multiple (increasingly urgent) messages and still no call back. Finally I called back the ultrasound department to see if my appointment was being held and to see if they'd recieved the payment fax from my HMO. They hadn't and they hadn't. At this point I was rapidly reaching the end of my fraying rope. As soon as I started talking tough she transferred me to credit services, so I got tough with her, and she transferred to someone who knew what they were talking about. In 2004-2005 I had a severe peptic ulcer and had to recieve several ultrasounds and medications. The last ultrasound they gave me in 2005 was denied by my insurance because it's purpose was to determine if the ulcer was adequately healing. Last I heard (as a freaking 20-year-old) was that the hospital was appealing the decision because it was deemed a medically neccessary procedure. I thought that was that. Come to find out that the insurance agreed to pay 80% of the bill leaving me with the other 20% (about $300). I understand I should've followed up with this, and I take responsibility for that, but to deny a bleeding pregnant woman a fetal viability ultrasound just seems callous and cruel. Really. So I spent much of the morning being transferred from office to office repeating that no, I could not afford to pay off this 6-year-old balance today and yes, I was going to get my ultrasound tomorrow. Finally, maybe 3 transfers in, I totally snapped. I started full-on sobbing and threatening to sue them. Finally when I said, "so apprently swedish covenent will not allow me to recieve adequate prenatal care because I have an outstanding credit bill?" they transferred me to someone important. Suddenly things changed, this guy was so polite and understanding and deeply apologized for such insensitivity, very apologetic and all "of course you can get your ultrasound tomorrow, I'm so sorry you had to deal with all this at such a fragile time." These fucking pricks. Seriously. I could not believe it.
Now tonight I am having a 12 person dinner party to celebrate my friend Sara. I feel like I've been whacked with a shit-ton of bricks. My face hurts from crying so hard. I'm exhausted and sick and I feel like the fatest mcfaterson that ever fated my hair is disgusting and I have to pull it all together. Seriously I'm so emotional all I want to do is lock myself in a dark room and watch the godfather trilogy. uuuuuggggghhhh. hopefully I can get it together in the next 5 hours.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
10 weeks! yay- double digits!
Yesterday, after spotting the last few days I finally broke down and called the midwife. She told me that since she was on call and had to be at the hospital for deliveries she would sneak me in afterhours and we could try and find the heartbeat on doppler.
She called at around 6:15 and said "hurry in now" and so O and I rushed over. It gave us a chance to see the labor and delivery floor in action (not just during a tour) and I have to admit it kind of terrified me. First of all it's highly secured and and very small. There looked to be only maybe 10 rooms tops. But the nurses all seemed nice. O said it was more "hospital-y" than he expected.
The midwife, Gina, who I hadn't met before came rushing out and she was just so nice. I can't say enough good things about her. She completly changed my opinion of the practice. After that ratty first appointment I was ready to switch to West Suburban, but Gina totally changed my mind. hopefully she's not the only good one.
Anyway, so we went to an exam room and she felt my uterus, said I was measuring perfectly for 10 weeks, there's no reason to believe the baby isn't growing. Unfortunately she couldn't find the heartbeat on the doppler which, although it freaked us out a little, she was over the top reassuring. Kept saying it was still so extremely early, most doctors won't even try if you're under 12 weeks. Then she said we'd been patient long enough, it's terrifying to be on hormone medication and still seeing blood, we need to get an ultrasound. The way she said it made me feel less like a spaz about the whole thing. I was starting to feel like I was being overdramatic. And I know people who haven't been pregnant don't understand, but when you see blood you just freak out- no matter how little it is, you just freak. It was cool of her to understand that. She told me that HMOs rarely approve more than 1 ultrasound in the first trimester but to trust her because she's "an expert at being dramatic on paper." She said if I happened to see the order not to freak out, because she was going to make the situation sound very dire and dramatic and say that fetal viability is unlikely. BUT according to my physical body it looks like everything is ok. What is probably happening is that the Crinone (progesterone) is irritating my cervix and causing spotting, it likely has nothing to do with the fetus or my uterus.
So I guess we just wait and see...
C'mon second trimester! Only 3 more weeks!
She called at around 6:15 and said "hurry in now" and so O and I rushed over. It gave us a chance to see the labor and delivery floor in action (not just during a tour) and I have to admit it kind of terrified me. First of all it's highly secured and and very small. There looked to be only maybe 10 rooms tops. But the nurses all seemed nice. O said it was more "hospital-y" than he expected.
The midwife, Gina, who I hadn't met before came rushing out and she was just so nice. I can't say enough good things about her. She completly changed my opinion of the practice. After that ratty first appointment I was ready to switch to West Suburban, but Gina totally changed my mind. hopefully she's not the only good one.
Anyway, so we went to an exam room and she felt my uterus, said I was measuring perfectly for 10 weeks, there's no reason to believe the baby isn't growing. Unfortunately she couldn't find the heartbeat on the doppler which, although it freaked us out a little, she was over the top reassuring. Kept saying it was still so extremely early, most doctors won't even try if you're under 12 weeks. Then she said we'd been patient long enough, it's terrifying to be on hormone medication and still seeing blood, we need to get an ultrasound. The way she said it made me feel less like a spaz about the whole thing. I was starting to feel like I was being overdramatic. And I know people who haven't been pregnant don't understand, but when you see blood you just freak out- no matter how little it is, you just freak. It was cool of her to understand that. She told me that HMOs rarely approve more than 1 ultrasound in the first trimester but to trust her because she's "an expert at being dramatic on paper." She said if I happened to see the order not to freak out, because she was going to make the situation sound very dire and dramatic and say that fetal viability is unlikely. BUT according to my physical body it looks like everything is ok. What is probably happening is that the Crinone (progesterone) is irritating my cervix and causing spotting, it likely has nothing to do with the fetus or my uterus.
So I guess we just wait and see...
C'mon second trimester! Only 3 more weeks!
oh, yeah, the weekend and halloweenering
this last weekend was crazy. i must've been SO tired i forgot to update.
thursday we went to this haunted house (chronicles of the cursed) downtown with Jack and then at midnight we all went to see a screening of Paranormal Activity 2- it was awesome and terrifying. then on friday O and I bbsat Arliss' son Ethon til around midnight. O and I were so tired we kept griping at each other and when we finally fell into bed we didn't get up until about 11 the next day. Then, saturday we went with my mom and my siblings to Trails of Terror at peterson park and then went with them to see Paranormal Activity 2 AGAIN (it was that good- and my mom paid). On sunday we went to dinner at my parents house and rachael and the kids tried to name our unborn child. it was funny!
The girls on my internet board were all debating whether or not it was "safe" to go to haunted houses while preggs, but I can't imagine how it wouldn't be. my heartrate probably goes higher at the gym. Plus it's fun!
sara is coming into town this weekend (thurs-sun) it is going to be SOOO much fun, I can't wait to have some girl time.
thursday we went to this haunted house (chronicles of the cursed) downtown with Jack and then at midnight we all went to see a screening of Paranormal Activity 2- it was awesome and terrifying. then on friday O and I bbsat Arliss' son Ethon til around midnight. O and I were so tired we kept griping at each other and when we finally fell into bed we didn't get up until about 11 the next day. Then, saturday we went with my mom and my siblings to Trails of Terror at peterson park and then went with them to see Paranormal Activity 2 AGAIN (it was that good- and my mom paid). On sunday we went to dinner at my parents house and rachael and the kids tried to name our unborn child. it was funny!
The girls on my internet board were all debating whether or not it was "safe" to go to haunted houses while preggs, but I can't imagine how it wouldn't be. my heartrate probably goes higher at the gym. Plus it's fun!
sara is coming into town this weekend (thurs-sun) it is going to be SOOO much fun, I can't wait to have some girl time.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
my new super power
Over the weekend (about 9 and half weeks) I developed super-human smell. It's insane. I was babysitting Ethon on friday and the smell of all the candles in Arliss's house was driving me crazy, my nose felt like it was being burned from the inside out. Artificial smells like cologe and perfume and febreeze are killing me. it feels like I'm smelling acid and my nose is burning up.
out, out damn spot
I started spotting again over the weekend. This is really getting old. I was supposed to be able to start weaning off of the progesterone suppositories at 10 weeks (tomorrow) but now it looks like I'll be on them until 12. So annoying! I just don't understand what is going wrong? I finally called the midwife today because the color was more red and I started freaking out, but she was SOO nice and so reassuring. It was totally different from the other one I talked to. This one was helpful and actually listened to and validated what I was saying. She said there were a lot of reasons that I was spotting and miscarriage was likely the least of them, if I was losing the baby I would be in a lot more pain and I would be full-on bleeding heavily. She said I can come in tonight and the after-hours midwife would try to find the heartbeat on a doppler and check my cervix. I just can't get over how nice she was, she was like, "there's no reason to just wait it out and feel scared. If you feel scared for whatever reason just call the midwife on call. Why torture yourself? This is what we're here for." It made me feel so much better.
Do or do not, there is no try...
So one thing I definitely did not expect from people was to be asked, "were you guys trying?" and I never know how to answer. Usually I manage to make a joke like, "um, we were trying to have sex..." but it just feels so weird and personal. Why do people ask this?
Thursday, October 21, 2010
what can i write about my 9th week?
hmm. in terms of symptoms not much has changed. still tired, still nauseous but overall no big deal.
all i want to eat is potatoes, spicy nacho doritos, and pickles. my capacity for spicy food has gone way way up. i put hot sauce on everything.
Oh! here's a big change: yesterday when I was laying in bed I put my hands on my lower stomach, right above my pubic bone and I can sort of feel the beginning of my baby bump! there's a hard place where my uterus must be. I've also noticed that i can't fall forward the way i used to because it makes my stomach feel all squishy. weird!
i've been having a lot of crazy dreams; had one last night that i thought i had a miscarriage but when i looked into the cup that i caught my "baby" in it was a doll. weird. oh! and i had one that i was riding a horse and it fell in the mud. oh! and one where the hosts of Give Peace a Dance invited me onto their huge boat (i think that one would have gotten dirty but I woke up in the middle of it). My dreams have been crazy vivid lately!
also, the other weird thing is how in every single dream I have about the baby it always a girl. always. I even had one where i was decorating something (a baby bag?) and i was putting little blue decals on it and the whole time i was like, "I hope my daughter loves blue!"
O and I could care less what it turns out to be, as long as it's healthy (and a baby). I keep going back and forth about whether I'd want a son or a daughter because everyone else seems to have such a strong preference, but I just can't care about it. there are good points to having both!
At nine weeks my baby is about an inch long- the size of a big grape and takes up this much room inside of me:
all i want to eat is potatoes, spicy nacho doritos, and pickles. my capacity for spicy food has gone way way up. i put hot sauce on everything.
Oh! here's a big change: yesterday when I was laying in bed I put my hands on my lower stomach, right above my pubic bone and I can sort of feel the beginning of my baby bump! there's a hard place where my uterus must be. I've also noticed that i can't fall forward the way i used to because it makes my stomach feel all squishy. weird!
i've been having a lot of crazy dreams; had one last night that i thought i had a miscarriage but when i looked into the cup that i caught my "baby" in it was a doll. weird. oh! and i had one that i was riding a horse and it fell in the mud. oh! and one where the hosts of Give Peace a Dance invited me onto their huge boat (i think that one would have gotten dirty but I woke up in the middle of it). My dreams have been crazy vivid lately!
also, the other weird thing is how in every single dream I have about the baby it always a girl. always. I even had one where i was decorating something (a baby bag?) and i was putting little blue decals on it and the whole time i was like, "I hope my daughter loves blue!"
O and I could care less what it turns out to be, as long as it's healthy (and a baby). I keep going back and forth about whether I'd want a son or a daughter because everyone else seems to have such a strong preference, but I just can't care about it. there are good points to having both!
At nine weeks my baby is about an inch long- the size of a big grape and takes up this much room inside of me:
the name game
Girls:
we will probably try and find a good virtue name for her, since I have one but I also really like-
Eden
Rebecca
Lila
Elise
Harmony (O)
Molly
Gretta
Olive
Summer
Boys:
middle or first name will definitely be Lawrence
Theodore
James
Julian
Henry
Robert
Jonah
Oliver
Caelum
we will probably try and find a good virtue name for her, since I have one but I also really like-
Eden
Rebecca
Lila
Elise
Harmony (O)
Molly
Gretta
Olive
Summer
Boys:
middle or first name will definitely be Lawrence
Theodore
James
Julian
Henry
Robert
Jonah
Oliver
Caelum
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
are crows a bad omen?
Yesterday when I was at work Jake (the 3-yr-old I nanny) and I were in the living room getting ready to go pick up his sister when all of the sudden this enormous flock of birds land in the trees out front. They were so loud, screaming and caw-ing, that they actually drown out the TV. It was really creepy. Then when Jake and I walked outside I noticed there were a bunch of people including stopped cars all standing around and watching the crows- who were going even more insane and flying low and just being all apocolypitcally foreshadowing. Then they started dropping from the sky, first just one or two and then a whole bunch. I counted 11 before Jake and I got in the car to go pick up his sister. When we got back I saw a bunch of neighbors and animal control people picking up the carcasses and I asked if anyone knew what was going on. One guy said he say a hawk up there trying to get the crows and another guy said from the way the crows were twitching on the ground after they fell he was sure they had to have eaten rat poison. So weird!
ok, so I hate Ikea, buuuuuut....
I love the mammut series! So neat and colorful and cartoonish. I'm so over boring wood nursury furniture. I want something different!
UNFORTUNATELY, like the jerks ikea have proven themselves to be they are discontinuing it and have already eliminated the crib. I looked online for recalls and safety reviews and no one has reported any problems with it, they just are elminating the line. I'm so pissed :(
UNFORTUNATELY, like the jerks ikea have proven themselves to be they are discontinuing it and have already eliminated the crib. I looked online for recalls and safety reviews and no one has reported any problems with it, they just are elminating the line. I'm so pissed :(
oct 18th, 1st midwife appt
Had my first midwife appointment on monday and it has me seriously reconsidering the whole whole midwife thing. First of all there are 8 midwives in the practice and since you never know who will be on call for your birth you have to see all 8. At first I was ok with that, but now it's kind of bothering me. I want to have a quasi-close relationship with the person who will be delivering my child and not someone I've met once or twice. It also kind of makes me less likely to call with questions because you never know who you're going to get and whether or not they know you and are familiar with your situation. Kind of a bummer really, I was pretty prepared to LOVE this place.
I'm nine weeks today, so in a few weeks I have to start weaning myself off the progesterone suppositories (as the placenta grows in the 2nd trimester) and the midwife I had, Libby, seemed to not be familiar with progesterone supplements at all. She had to go "look up" (google?) how long I had to keep taking them and how I had to stop. She told me I could just quit "cold turkey" at 10 weeks but this isn't what any of the websites I've found say. Then when she was writing up the blood test orders I asked if she could do a progesterone draw just to see what my numbers are and she flat out refused. "At this point it's really irrelevant" she said. Obviously she's not the one who's been cramming hormones up her hoo-ha for the last 5 weeks. "If the number is bad there's nothing more we can do and it will just cause you stress, and if the number is good it doesn't prove anything because your placenta might already be taking over." great. For some reason this whole exchange made me pretty mad. I thought the idea of having a midwife was to manage your own care?
Then she told me that they're not going to order an ultrasound until my 20 week major check. And I get that I got my first ultrasound early- 6 weeks instead of 8- but my former Ob ordered that because neither one of us was sure that there was still a baby in there after all the spotting. Also, here's the scary thing about using supplemental progesterone: if the baby dies or doesn't grow or whatever the progesterone will keep me from miscarrying naturally. So it's totally possible that the baby passed at 7 weeks and I won't know until I'm off the progesterone completely at 13 weeks. Seriously, you won't give me a little peace of mind and order a freakin ultrasound?! I'm so pissed about that.
Then she told me that it would probably be best if i tried to gain NO weight with this pregnancy. definitely no more than 10 lbs. And again, I know I'm very overweight, but I guess I was expecting more of a "use your best judgement" from such a holistic place. Not to mention that I've actually lost weight so far, so it's not like I'm some fatso using pregnancy as an excuse to just chow down on everything in sight. The whole thing left me a little disgruntled. I'm going to go to one more appt with a different midwife on November 8th and if it doesn't go better that's it, i'm switching.
I'm nine weeks today, so in a few weeks I have to start weaning myself off the progesterone suppositories (as the placenta grows in the 2nd trimester) and the midwife I had, Libby, seemed to not be familiar with progesterone supplements at all. She had to go "look up" (google?) how long I had to keep taking them and how I had to stop. She told me I could just quit "cold turkey" at 10 weeks but this isn't what any of the websites I've found say. Then when she was writing up the blood test orders I asked if she could do a progesterone draw just to see what my numbers are and she flat out refused. "At this point it's really irrelevant" she said. Obviously she's not the one who's been cramming hormones up her hoo-ha for the last 5 weeks. "If the number is bad there's nothing more we can do and it will just cause you stress, and if the number is good it doesn't prove anything because your placenta might already be taking over." great. For some reason this whole exchange made me pretty mad. I thought the idea of having a midwife was to manage your own care?
Then she told me that they're not going to order an ultrasound until my 20 week major check. And I get that I got my first ultrasound early- 6 weeks instead of 8- but my former Ob ordered that because neither one of us was sure that there was still a baby in there after all the spotting. Also, here's the scary thing about using supplemental progesterone: if the baby dies or doesn't grow or whatever the progesterone will keep me from miscarrying naturally. So it's totally possible that the baby passed at 7 weeks and I won't know until I'm off the progesterone completely at 13 weeks. Seriously, you won't give me a little peace of mind and order a freakin ultrasound?! I'm so pissed about that.
Then she told me that it would probably be best if i tried to gain NO weight with this pregnancy. definitely no more than 10 lbs. And again, I know I'm very overweight, but I guess I was expecting more of a "use your best judgement" from such a holistic place. Not to mention that I've actually lost weight so far, so it's not like I'm some fatso using pregnancy as an excuse to just chow down on everything in sight. The whole thing left me a little disgruntled. I'm going to go to one more appt with a different midwife on November 8th and if it doesn't go better that's it, i'm switching.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Mark and April's wedding & Maternity shopping
Last night was my cousin's wedding. I am learning that it is actually possible to have a hangover without drinking. A dance and soda hangover maybe?
Also, even though I asked the boys to not spread the news so that O and I could tell everyone they apparently just decided to tell everyone anyway. I don't even care anymore. I'm learning that this inability to have things go according to plan is preparing me for being a mother. Plus my cousins had the good sense to play dumb and even act surprised and thrilled when I told them. It was only afterwards that they said "oh yeah, dave told me a few days ago." Sweet, thanks dave, you asshole. Anyway they were all super nice about it and cheering and slapping O on the back, it was nice. We had so much fun! I danced so much I'm sore. Actually I think my ligaments are loosening up or something, I can't just around like I used to. My hips feel looser and my back hurts more. Bummer, this baby loves dancing! We have a full season of Full Moon Jams and GPAD to look forward to shakin it at.
Today, saturday, I decided to go get a Bella Band so I can keep wearing my skinny jeans as long as possible. I worked so hard to get down to a size 14/16 and now I'm wearing my fat size 20s to be comfortable. I can still wear the 16s but I hate having something tight across my belly, it's so uncomfortable. So anyway, I went to Motherhood Maternity with O in tow and was surprised at the cute stuff they had. I've been sort of dreading the eventual crossover into maternity clothes, but they had some neat stuff. And the salesgirls were so friendly! Asked me when I was due, made some suggestions, it was all very nice. I wasn't expecting it to be such a great experience. O insisted I get this tanktop that said "pregnant is the new skinny" I can't imagine where I'll wear it to, but it was a sweet gesture. I didn't expect to have so many issues with body image during pregnancy. I always thought that since I was already overweight it wouldn't be such a huge deal to me. I couldn't have been more wrong. It's killing me that I spent the first half of this year taking off 30 pounds and now I'll spend the second half of the year slowly putting it back on. I'm determined to not gain more than 20 pounds. I do not want to be more than my original, pre-diet weight. I'm trying my damnest to not gain anything in the first trimester. It kills me that I'm sickened at the thought of steel cut oatmeal and raw veggies. Pretty much all I want to eat is all the food I spent the last year avoiding. It's like some cruel joke.
Anyway, so I got the funny shirt and the Bella Band and even some maternity khakis from target that were on sale. We stopped at the thrift store and got some baggy shirts and few more pairs of sweatpants (which are all I want to wear, like a total slob). All in all it was a pretty great, albeit exhausting weekend.
Also, even though I asked the boys to not spread the news so that O and I could tell everyone they apparently just decided to tell everyone anyway. I don't even care anymore. I'm learning that this inability to have things go according to plan is preparing me for being a mother. Plus my cousins had the good sense to play dumb and even act surprised and thrilled when I told them. It was only afterwards that they said "oh yeah, dave told me a few days ago." Sweet, thanks dave, you asshole. Anyway they were all super nice about it and cheering and slapping O on the back, it was nice. We had so much fun! I danced so much I'm sore. Actually I think my ligaments are loosening up or something, I can't just around like I used to. My hips feel looser and my back hurts more. Bummer, this baby loves dancing! We have a full season of Full Moon Jams and GPAD to look forward to shakin it at.
Today, saturday, I decided to go get a Bella Band so I can keep wearing my skinny jeans as long as possible. I worked so hard to get down to a size 14/16 and now I'm wearing my fat size 20s to be comfortable. I can still wear the 16s but I hate having something tight across my belly, it's so uncomfortable. So anyway, I went to Motherhood Maternity with O in tow and was surprised at the cute stuff they had. I've been sort of dreading the eventual crossover into maternity clothes, but they had some neat stuff. And the salesgirls were so friendly! Asked me when I was due, made some suggestions, it was all very nice. I wasn't expecting it to be such a great experience. O insisted I get this tanktop that said "pregnant is the new skinny" I can't imagine where I'll wear it to, but it was a sweet gesture. I didn't expect to have so many issues with body image during pregnancy. I always thought that since I was already overweight it wouldn't be such a huge deal to me. I couldn't have been more wrong. It's killing me that I spent the first half of this year taking off 30 pounds and now I'll spend the second half of the year slowly putting it back on. I'm determined to not gain more than 20 pounds. I do not want to be more than my original, pre-diet weight. I'm trying my damnest to not gain anything in the first trimester. It kills me that I'm sickened at the thought of steel cut oatmeal and raw veggies. Pretty much all I want to eat is all the food I spent the last year avoiding. It's like some cruel joke.
Anyway, so I got the funny shirt and the Bella Band and even some maternity khakis from target that were on sale. We stopped at the thrift store and got some baggy shirts and few more pairs of sweatpants (which are all I want to wear, like a total slob). All in all it was a pretty great, albeit exhausting weekend.
8 weeks, 3 days
I've decided this baby has to be a boy. If it's a girl, it's clearly the most mellow baby girl pregnancy on the planet. I feel great, honestly. I've only thrown-up a handful of times and I'd chalk that up to nerves, anxiety, not taking my vitamins with food, or just waiting too long to eat. My nausea hasn't been that bad. It's really more like I have bad PMS than a baby. I wrote this post about it on my internet birthboard and everyone was like, "I'll trade you! I've been throwing up for weeks." It's not like I want to be sick or have these wildly insane symptoms, but it would be nice to have some physical proof that there is, indeed, a baby in there and not just some bad bloat. I had acne the first few weeks, but even that has started to go away and my skin looks pretty good. Right now my worst pregnancy symptoms are sweating a hair growth. I'm sorry, but in the interest of full disclosure I have to tell you something, in my pre-preggo life I didn't wear deodorant every day. Maybe not even every other day. I know, it's gross, but really I don't sweat. Ever. I think it has something to do with being hypothyroid, but I just don't sweat. And all the aluminum and chemicals in deodorant were scary so I just put baby powder under my arms after a shower and that was that. These days I'm going to the prescription strength Secret with the no sweat guarantee and I still have to reapply in mid-afternoon most days. I now sweat, a lot. It's uncomfortable and gross and kind of makes me feel like a barnyard animal. Also, again probably due to being hypothyroid, I am not very hairy. I shave my legs once, maybe twice a week, and I pretty much never have to go above the knee. Gross, I know, but I just wasn't hairy. Now I'm like a sasquatch if I miss day. and forget about my underarms, I'd shave every hour if I could. Yesterday I actually plucked a fucking chin hair! A real chin hair! Like a fat old greek lady! unreal...
But those 2 inconveniences are nothing compared to what other preggos have to go through. It's nothing really. In fact, it's not really abnormal to sweat and grow hair every day, my thyroid was just so bad that I never did. This is probably how most women feel all the time.
Anyway, I suppose my lack of symptoms can also have something to do with the fact that I'm thrilled to be pregnant. I have at one time or another experienced the full range. I've been so fatigued for days and weeks that it felt like I was living in a fog. I think maybe my excitement and happiness has given me a kind of selective amnesia about all the bad stuff. I keep calling this an "easy" pregnancy, but I forget the terror of week five when I was spotting so heavily I was convinced the baby must have passed. I forget that every night I have to inject progesterone and deal with the sweats and peeing every 30 mins that comes with synthetic hormone usage. I forget that I keep saltines next to the bed because every time I get up to use the bathroom I have to eat something or I'll get dizzy. I forget the crippling caffeine withdrawal headaches and how much I miss deli sandwiches and brie cheese, how I spent the better part of this year avoiding carbs and starches and now all I want to eat is potatoes and white bread. I forget all these things whenever someone asks me how I feel because I'm just so elated to be pregnant. I take a quick inventory and say, "great! amazing even!" because I can't believe my body is actually making another person right now. I mean, already at 8 weeks he's already formed. He has all of his organs and a whole circulatory and nervous system. All he has to do for the next 7 months is grow bigger and develop. It's crazy to me.
O and I walk around most days full of wonder and amazement. It's all we think about, this little person; This second heart in my body. We cannot believe how lucky we are that he chose us to be his parents. It's like every single day we have to remind ourselves there's a baby in there, it's real. O is always reading prenatal books and picking up magazines for me. I just feel supernaturally lucky to have this life right now: my unbelievable husband, my amazing baby, our crazy life and big family. We keep asking ourselves how we got here. I don't know what to call it other than luck, I certainly did nothing to deserve this. I can't possibly imagine how anything could get better.
But those 2 inconveniences are nothing compared to what other preggos have to go through. It's nothing really. In fact, it's not really abnormal to sweat and grow hair every day, my thyroid was just so bad that I never did. This is probably how most women feel all the time.
Anyway, I suppose my lack of symptoms can also have something to do with the fact that I'm thrilled to be pregnant. I have at one time or another experienced the full range. I've been so fatigued for days and weeks that it felt like I was living in a fog. I think maybe my excitement and happiness has given me a kind of selective amnesia about all the bad stuff. I keep calling this an "easy" pregnancy, but I forget the terror of week five when I was spotting so heavily I was convinced the baby must have passed. I forget that every night I have to inject progesterone and deal with the sweats and peeing every 30 mins that comes with synthetic hormone usage. I forget that I keep saltines next to the bed because every time I get up to use the bathroom I have to eat something or I'll get dizzy. I forget the crippling caffeine withdrawal headaches and how much I miss deli sandwiches and brie cheese, how I spent the better part of this year avoiding carbs and starches and now all I want to eat is potatoes and white bread. I forget all these things whenever someone asks me how I feel because I'm just so elated to be pregnant. I take a quick inventory and say, "great! amazing even!" because I can't believe my body is actually making another person right now. I mean, already at 8 weeks he's already formed. He has all of his organs and a whole circulatory and nervous system. All he has to do for the next 7 months is grow bigger and develop. It's crazy to me.
O and I walk around most days full of wonder and amazement. It's all we think about, this little person; This second heart in my body. We cannot believe how lucky we are that he chose us to be his parents. It's like every single day we have to remind ourselves there's a baby in there, it's real. O is always reading prenatal books and picking up magazines for me. I just feel supernaturally lucky to have this life right now: my unbelievable husband, my amazing baby, our crazy life and big family. We keep asking ourselves how we got here. I don't know what to call it other than luck, I certainly did nothing to deserve this. I can't possibly imagine how anything could get better.
Friday, October 15, 2010
beauty appointment and brothers
last night I had a hair appointment to get a (much needed) cut and color. when the receptionist (who's also one of the salon owners) called me to remind me on wednesday morning, I caved and cancelled the color. O's been very uptight about chemicals and we just had a big argument about whther or not I could get my 8 week ultrasound (he is sure ultrasounds are deafening our fetus) so I decided that since he's been caving on my cravings for bologna and was so apologetic about the ultrasound argument that i would give a little and go without touching up my roots for 4 more weeks. I casually mentioned that I still wanted the cut but was going to substitute a pedicure (even though O is sure nail polish causes birth defects) in place of the color because I was nervous and wanted to wait until I was out of the first trimester. She barely registered the news, but was super nice and said "don't worry about it, we get that all the time." so I thought that would be the end of that.
A word about this salon: it's amazing. I've been going there for the better part of a decade and even though my original sylist left to start her own business, I refused to be "poached" since I liked the owners of this place so much. The name of the place is Thairapy Plus Salon and Spa and they basically do everything there and everyone is super knowledgable and nice and chatty. A while back, I needed a last minute trim and my stylist was all booked up so they referred me to this other guy, Paul, who seriously gave me the best haircut of my life. I've sent 2 of my sisters, my Mom, my Bff, and a bunch of other people to see him. I don't even ask for the referral discount anymore because it's embarrassing. Even the most die-hard $10 supercuts fans admit that the $65 fee is well worth it. He's just very careful and exacting and he's not too chatty because you can tell he's hyper-focused on doing a good job.
Anyway, So I showed up last night at 5:45 straight off of a miserable day at work in my kid-stained teeshirt and busted up jeans and they just treated me like royalty. It was exactly what I needed. The owner (who was sooo casual on the phone) was actually so excited that as soon as she hung up, she immediately told everyone who worked there. So as soon as I walked in the door everyone started gushing over me and telling me how beautiful I looked, and reassuring me that my skin and hair looked amazing! It was so sweet. I got to talk about the pregnancy, and names and nursery ideas and everything in a totally no-holds-bar way that I haven't gotten to talk to my friends yet. Every was so happy for me and interested (or at least amazing pretenders if they weren't). It was so sweet. I had so much fun. When O picked me up two hours later he said I looked happier than I have in weeks, I was literally glowing. So hopefully bi-weekly mani pedis will be worth it from now...
Also, yesterday my brother Joe called me to tell me congratulations. It was really nice. I've never actually chatted with Joe, but he was asking how far along I am and when I'm due and he actually sounded excited for me, which was sweet. He said he was happy for me and he was sorry he didn't call sooner. I was really touched.
This is turning out to not be such a miserable week... Tonight is my cousins wedding, pray that word hasn't gotten around yet and I won't be bombarded and teased all night. amen.
A word about this salon: it's amazing. I've been going there for the better part of a decade and even though my original sylist left to start her own business, I refused to be "poached" since I liked the owners of this place so much. The name of the place is Thairapy Plus Salon and Spa and they basically do everything there and everyone is super knowledgable and nice and chatty. A while back, I needed a last minute trim and my stylist was all booked up so they referred me to this other guy, Paul, who seriously gave me the best haircut of my life. I've sent 2 of my sisters, my Mom, my Bff, and a bunch of other people to see him. I don't even ask for the referral discount anymore because it's embarrassing. Even the most die-hard $10 supercuts fans admit that the $65 fee is well worth it. He's just very careful and exacting and he's not too chatty because you can tell he's hyper-focused on doing a good job.
Anyway, So I showed up last night at 5:45 straight off of a miserable day at work in my kid-stained teeshirt and busted up jeans and they just treated me like royalty. It was exactly what I needed. The owner (who was sooo casual on the phone) was actually so excited that as soon as she hung up, she immediately told everyone who worked there. So as soon as I walked in the door everyone started gushing over me and telling me how beautiful I looked, and reassuring me that my skin and hair looked amazing! It was so sweet. I got to talk about the pregnancy, and names and nursery ideas and everything in a totally no-holds-bar way that I haven't gotten to talk to my friends yet. Every was so happy for me and interested (or at least amazing pretenders if they weren't). It was so sweet. I had so much fun. When O picked me up two hours later he said I looked happier than I have in weeks, I was literally glowing. So hopefully bi-weekly mani pedis will be worth it from now...
Also, yesterday my brother Joe called me to tell me congratulations. It was really nice. I've never actually chatted with Joe, but he was asking how far along I am and when I'm due and he actually sounded excited for me, which was sweet. He said he was happy for me and he was sorry he didn't call sooner. I was really touched.
This is turning out to not be such a miserable week... Tonight is my cousins wedding, pray that word hasn't gotten around yet and I won't be bombarded and teased all night. amen.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
bad dreams
my preggo dreams are crazy. besides having these insane sex dreams that literally wake me up, I'm also having horrible dreams about orion leaving me and my parents dying.
when I was about 6 and half weeks pregs I had this horrible dream that I was having a dinner party and I went to the bathroom and while I was on the toilet the baby fell out. It was textbook perfect. It looked just like the 7-8 week old fetuses I see in the pregnancy books and movies. So I scooped it out of the toilet and held it in my palm. and just like that I wasn't pregnant anymore. no blood, no nothing. So i took it back into the dining room where all my guests were waiting and I showed it to them. I kept asking if anybody knew how to get it back in, but everyone seemed to think it was a joke. finally I heard a voice, maybe one of my friends, that said: "you're not pregnant anymore. accept it" and then I woke up. It scared the shit out of me and I couldn't fall back alseep. I hope it was just a ridiculous dream and not anything real...
I have my first appointment with the midwives at swedish convenent on Monday. I'm excited! I hope they let me see the baby and everything is ok. Lately I'm convinced that the reason my skin looks so good and my pregnancy symptoms aren't that bad is because it's a boy. I feel sure it's a boy.
when I was about 6 and half weeks pregs I had this horrible dream that I was having a dinner party and I went to the bathroom and while I was on the toilet the baby fell out. It was textbook perfect. It looked just like the 7-8 week old fetuses I see in the pregnancy books and movies. So I scooped it out of the toilet and held it in my palm. and just like that I wasn't pregnant anymore. no blood, no nothing. So i took it back into the dining room where all my guests were waiting and I showed it to them. I kept asking if anybody knew how to get it back in, but everyone seemed to think it was a joke. finally I heard a voice, maybe one of my friends, that said: "you're not pregnant anymore. accept it" and then I woke up. It scared the shit out of me and I couldn't fall back alseep. I hope it was just a ridiculous dream and not anything real...
I have my first appointment with the midwives at swedish convenent on Monday. I'm excited! I hope they let me see the baby and everything is ok. Lately I'm convinced that the reason my skin looks so good and my pregnancy symptoms aren't that bad is because it's a boy. I feel sure it's a boy.
my explosion at chase bank
so yesterday I had a crazy preggo hormonal meltdown. It started in the morning when my older brother's erstwhile girlfriend messaged me on facebook to say congratulations. Which was nice, but if she knew, then my older brothers must have known, so why haven't I heard from anyone? I know I should have called the boys myself, but I didn't know my dad would be on the horn that same day spreading the news far and wide. I sort of thought I'd get to tell the boys myself, and if not at least I'd get to talk to them about it at Mark's wedding this weekend. So it was weird to get congratulations from Joe's exgirlfriend before I heard anything from Joe. So then I called my dad to find out just who he had spread the news to, "have you told Aunt Judy?" I asked. His verbatim reply: "Honestly, I told so many people I can't remember who all I talked to." wow.
So apparently everyone knows. weird. Actually I'm a little touched. If he's telling all our relatives it must be because he's excited, right? right. I think that's cute. Then he told me that he picked my doctor (the same doctor who delivered me 26 years ago) and that I needed to call him ASAP. I think he was confused when I said I already had both a midwife and an obstetrician. "a woman?" he asked incredulously.
I've learned, finally many years later after a turmultuous adolescence, that the key to talk to my dad is just to "yes" everything. "yes, i'll call dr. ettner" "yes, I'll let you pick the god parents" "yes of course O knows he has to defer to you in all childrearing issues." I just "yes" my way through every conversation. At first it was difficult to learn because you have to surrender a bit of pride, but then I realized that it made my relationship with him much easier and he often doesn't remember specific conversation or really try and enforce things the way he used to. So it works out in the end.
So anyway, I was kind of bummed that my brothers couldn't even text me to say congrats, but it wasn't a huge deal. O and I have been kind of having a hard time with friends of ours who are trying to have a baby and (understandably) were disappointed by our news. I get it, I've been there. It's fine, I'll get over it. So my point is that all these things were adding up to get me all wild around the eye.
I decided to take the twins I nanny to this playground cafe so that they could run around and I could sit quietly on a big easy chair, read magazines, and drink decaf lattes. So I waited til they woke up from their nap, dressed them, packed them into the car, got them all excited about play cafe, and then once I'd ordered my latte and told the attendent to charge me for 2 kids my debit card got declined. OH SHIT. panic.
O and I just joined this high interest savings credit union with the intention of saving some money. We carefully took into account all of our bills and expenses and decided we could affored to put $300 into the credit union each month. BUT in my weird unattached pregnancy brain I forgot to factor our gym membership into the budget. So they just took out $130 causing us to be overwithdrawn by $60. SHIT. Then I remembered that in my exhaustion over the weekend I never deposited my paycheck from friday which is still sitting on the dining room table in one of the stacks of papers. shit shit shit.
So the twins and I drive over to my house and I leave them in the car while I dart upstairs, grab my money, and head back down. by this time the kids are understandably PISSED. I promised them play cafe and instead we're running a bunch of errands and I'm noticibly cranky. So I get to the bank and the kids are just in foul moods, whining, destroying things, rolling around on the floor. It is not fun. And the bank is REALLY backed up for 3:00 on a wednesday. I wait in line 15 minutes for the one available window even though there are greeters and bankers behind desks and tells behind closed windows. The one teller who has her window open looks terrified and all of 16. she must be new. Which is probably why it's taking so long. She fucked up the guy in front of me's deposit and seemed confused when I handed her $200 cash and a deposit slip. "Do you have your ID?" she asked. Weird that I need ID to make a DEPOSIT but whatever, I slip it under the window and try my best to corral the kids. "Um, your balance is negative..." "I know, that's why I'm depositing cash." "Oh, just checking."
Then while at least 6 other bankers stand around doing bullshit she tells me her computer just froze and she needs to call the helpline. It will take a few minutes.
I felt like a volcano. I literally saw red. And exploded. Can any of these other people who are doing nothing take a cash deposit? no. of course not. so I said some horrible things, vowed to never come back, and dragged the twins (one of whom was hiding the courtesy bowl of candy under her jacket) out to the car.
sheesh.
I'm not someone who emotes in public, I rarely if ever have yelled at service employee. I don't knwo what came over me. I literally was seeing red.
So apparently everyone knows. weird. Actually I'm a little touched. If he's telling all our relatives it must be because he's excited, right? right. I think that's cute. Then he told me that he picked my doctor (the same doctor who delivered me 26 years ago) and that I needed to call him ASAP. I think he was confused when I said I already had both a midwife and an obstetrician. "a woman?" he asked incredulously.
I've learned, finally many years later after a turmultuous adolescence, that the key to talk to my dad is just to "yes" everything. "yes, i'll call dr. ettner" "yes, I'll let you pick the god parents" "yes of course O knows he has to defer to you in all childrearing issues." I just "yes" my way through every conversation. At first it was difficult to learn because you have to surrender a bit of pride, but then I realized that it made my relationship with him much easier and he often doesn't remember specific conversation or really try and enforce things the way he used to. So it works out in the end.
So anyway, I was kind of bummed that my brothers couldn't even text me to say congrats, but it wasn't a huge deal. O and I have been kind of having a hard time with friends of ours who are trying to have a baby and (understandably) were disappointed by our news. I get it, I've been there. It's fine, I'll get over it. So my point is that all these things were adding up to get me all wild around the eye.
I decided to take the twins I nanny to this playground cafe so that they could run around and I could sit quietly on a big easy chair, read magazines, and drink decaf lattes. So I waited til they woke up from their nap, dressed them, packed them into the car, got them all excited about play cafe, and then once I'd ordered my latte and told the attendent to charge me for 2 kids my debit card got declined. OH SHIT. panic.
O and I just joined this high interest savings credit union with the intention of saving some money. We carefully took into account all of our bills and expenses and decided we could affored to put $300 into the credit union each month. BUT in my weird unattached pregnancy brain I forgot to factor our gym membership into the budget. So they just took out $130 causing us to be overwithdrawn by $60. SHIT. Then I remembered that in my exhaustion over the weekend I never deposited my paycheck from friday which is still sitting on the dining room table in one of the stacks of papers. shit shit shit.
So the twins and I drive over to my house and I leave them in the car while I dart upstairs, grab my money, and head back down. by this time the kids are understandably PISSED. I promised them play cafe and instead we're running a bunch of errands and I'm noticibly cranky. So I get to the bank and the kids are just in foul moods, whining, destroying things, rolling around on the floor. It is not fun. And the bank is REALLY backed up for 3:00 on a wednesday. I wait in line 15 minutes for the one available window even though there are greeters and bankers behind desks and tells behind closed windows. The one teller who has her window open looks terrified and all of 16. she must be new. Which is probably why it's taking so long. She fucked up the guy in front of me's deposit and seemed confused when I handed her $200 cash and a deposit slip. "Do you have your ID?" she asked. Weird that I need ID to make a DEPOSIT but whatever, I slip it under the window and try my best to corral the kids. "Um, your balance is negative..." "I know, that's why I'm depositing cash." "Oh, just checking."
Then while at least 6 other bankers stand around doing bullshit she tells me her computer just froze and she needs to call the helpline. It will take a few minutes.
I felt like a volcano. I literally saw red. And exploded. Can any of these other people who are doing nothing take a cash deposit? no. of course not. so I said some horrible things, vowed to never come back, and dragged the twins (one of whom was hiding the courtesy bowl of candy under her jacket) out to the car.
sheesh.
I'm not someone who emotes in public, I rarely if ever have yelled at service employee. I don't knwo what came over me. I literally was seeing red.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
one month ago today...
we came home from arliss's house and I decided to take a test so that my "phantom" symptoms would go away...
Time is just FLYING by. I can hardly believe it.
Time is just FLYING by. I can hardly believe it.
be grateful.
I like to think of myself as a person who looks for the best in any situation. I get frustrated sometimes when things don't go exactly my way, but I often comfort myself by finding something good about what is happening. I don't really understand people who can just be soo negative about everything. I almost want to shake them and say "you're only making things worse!"
I suppose I never really got crazy baby fever because I work with kids and I love being around kids and although they're fun there's no real mystery for me about the magic of being a parent; I know how hard it is. So when O and I were trying to have a kid for so long, or experiencing a "false start" I'd sort of fall back on the idea that I am blessed with 7 nieces and nephews and a handful of regular clients- I have a ton of kids in my life. And I love them dearly, but to be honest sometimes I just can't wait to give them back to their parents and go home to my quiet clean house. I guess what I'm getting at is that there's no perfect life. You can't wait for the magic "thing" that's going to make you happy and solve all your problems- be it a boyfriend or a baby. There are tons of good things about being single just like there are tons of good things about being married. Your husband might drive you nuts or it might drive you nuts to not have a built-in date for events. The same is true for kids. There were times I really wanted to have a baby- it's biological. But there were also a lot of times I was grateful it was just O and I. We do a lot of fun stuff. Knowing that we would eventually have kids I did my best to cram as many adventures into our unhindered life as possible. We took road trips and classes and stayed out late and drank too much and found ourselves in ridiculous situations. I feel like doing those things helped me feel more settled now that the time has come to start our family. Was I upset when we had a chemical pregnancy? Definitely. Horribly so. But I didn't let it take away my hope for what I knew we'd have one day. I found good things to say about what we do have and not what we lost.
I just don't understand how people put their lives on hold waiting to get pregnant. Not going out, not engaging, not adventuring, just waiting. I know the worst thing you can say to someone who's trying to have a kid is "just relax" but there's something to be said for the old adage "a watched pot never boils." If you've been trying to get pregnant for more than a year and haven't it's time to see your doctor about taking the next step. I don't get all this "we've been trying for 3 years but I don't know when I ovulate and I've never mentioned it to my gyn." If you don't see a dr you're sort of leaving yourself in that limbo and you can't really complain about it. I'm a big proponent of being proactive. If you don't like something then you need to change it, or at least find some good in your current sitaution. But most of all stop complaining. You're not doing yourself or your marriage any favors by wallowing.
O and I have been talking a lot about faith these days. What we believe, what we want our kids to believe. And I've realized that my big thing is gratitude. I want gracious kids. Instead of prayers before bed I want to say our "gratitudes" and really be thankful for everything we have. Yes, things can always be better but they can also always be worse. It's important to acknowledge and be thankful for what you do have and not just ask for what you don't. If I could start a religion it's tenents would be: Gratitude, Tradition, Community, and Family. Those are the things I believe in and those are the things I want to give to my child. Yes, we are going to baptize her and bring her up at St. Matthias, but we're also going to keep going to Full Moon dances and pagan fest and teach her about the universe and nature and karma. I believe that life is cyclical and what you give is what you get and the most important things are the ones you already have and are probably taking for granted.
I suppose I never really got crazy baby fever because I work with kids and I love being around kids and although they're fun there's no real mystery for me about the magic of being a parent; I know how hard it is. So when O and I were trying to have a kid for so long, or experiencing a "false start" I'd sort of fall back on the idea that I am blessed with 7 nieces and nephews and a handful of regular clients- I have a ton of kids in my life. And I love them dearly, but to be honest sometimes I just can't wait to give them back to their parents and go home to my quiet clean house. I guess what I'm getting at is that there's no perfect life. You can't wait for the magic "thing" that's going to make you happy and solve all your problems- be it a boyfriend or a baby. There are tons of good things about being single just like there are tons of good things about being married. Your husband might drive you nuts or it might drive you nuts to not have a built-in date for events. The same is true for kids. There were times I really wanted to have a baby- it's biological. But there were also a lot of times I was grateful it was just O and I. We do a lot of fun stuff. Knowing that we would eventually have kids I did my best to cram as many adventures into our unhindered life as possible. We took road trips and classes and stayed out late and drank too much and found ourselves in ridiculous situations. I feel like doing those things helped me feel more settled now that the time has come to start our family. Was I upset when we had a chemical pregnancy? Definitely. Horribly so. But I didn't let it take away my hope for what I knew we'd have one day. I found good things to say about what we do have and not what we lost.
I just don't understand how people put their lives on hold waiting to get pregnant. Not going out, not engaging, not adventuring, just waiting. I know the worst thing you can say to someone who's trying to have a kid is "just relax" but there's something to be said for the old adage "a watched pot never boils." If you've been trying to get pregnant for more than a year and haven't it's time to see your doctor about taking the next step. I don't get all this "we've been trying for 3 years but I don't know when I ovulate and I've never mentioned it to my gyn." If you don't see a dr you're sort of leaving yourself in that limbo and you can't really complain about it. I'm a big proponent of being proactive. If you don't like something then you need to change it, or at least find some good in your current sitaution. But most of all stop complaining. You're not doing yourself or your marriage any favors by wallowing.
O and I have been talking a lot about faith these days. What we believe, what we want our kids to believe. And I've realized that my big thing is gratitude. I want gracious kids. Instead of prayers before bed I want to say our "gratitudes" and really be thankful for everything we have. Yes, things can always be better but they can also always be worse. It's important to acknowledge and be thankful for what you do have and not just ask for what you don't. If I could start a religion it's tenents would be: Gratitude, Tradition, Community, and Family. Those are the things I believe in and those are the things I want to give to my child. Yes, we are going to baptize her and bring her up at St. Matthias, but we're also going to keep going to Full Moon dances and pagan fest and teach her about the universe and nature and karma. I believe that life is cyclical and what you give is what you get and the most important things are the ones you already have and are probably taking for granted.
we told the fam
So Sunday was O's 32 birthday and we celebrated at my parent's house. Dave was mysteriously "sick" and Joe was in Vegas which turned out to be somewhat of a relief since I was pretty much dreading having a peanut gallery. I know that every family has it's own personality and my family makes jokes, I get it. I even try and be a good sport about it most of the time, but it's so frusterating to me that we can never seem to take anything seriously. I'm glad that we can joke around and exchange jabs but do we really have to do it all the time? It's almost like we never get to be real with each other. There are always barriers up.
I'm not too bummed out anymore that we ended up telling everyone sooner than we'd hoped. I'm glad to have my mom's support and in a way it makes me less scared to have people know. It's weird, I thought I'd feel the opposite but actually it's almost a relieft to know so many people who love us are pulling for us.
O broke the news right before we sang happy birthday. I called everyone into the dining room and he said "grace is pregnant" at first everyone seemed to think he was kidding but then all the younger sibs and my nephews started clapping. It was really sweet. Of course then my dad had to start busting my balls about how he knew i'd "see it his way" and "come around" and making it like I'm some cow he now has control over. Kind of annoying really. It would have been nice if he could react to good news with, um, joy? and if not joy then definitely not sarcasm. Whatever, guess that's just how this family is. I'm just glad his partners in jab Dave and Joe weren't there. Something tells me it would not have gone as well. I know they must have heard the news by now from dad or one of the other brothers in the office but I haven't gotten so much as text saying "congratulations" I guess that would be expecting too much... I'm sure they'll give me plenty of shit on sunday.
O wrote this amazing blog on his page about the drama with my cousin and his views on religion and the pregnancy complications. I was pretty touched. check it out if you wish (though he's a bit more fearless and graphic than I am).
I'm not too bummed out anymore that we ended up telling everyone sooner than we'd hoped. I'm glad to have my mom's support and in a way it makes me less scared to have people know. It's weird, I thought I'd feel the opposite but actually it's almost a relieft to know so many people who love us are pulling for us.
O broke the news right before we sang happy birthday. I called everyone into the dining room and he said "grace is pregnant" at first everyone seemed to think he was kidding but then all the younger sibs and my nephews started clapping. It was really sweet. Of course then my dad had to start busting my balls about how he knew i'd "see it his way" and "come around" and making it like I'm some cow he now has control over. Kind of annoying really. It would have been nice if he could react to good news with, um, joy? and if not joy then definitely not sarcasm. Whatever, guess that's just how this family is. I'm just glad his partners in jab Dave and Joe weren't there. Something tells me it would not have gone as well. I know they must have heard the news by now from dad or one of the other brothers in the office but I haven't gotten so much as text saying "congratulations" I guess that would be expecting too much... I'm sure they'll give me plenty of shit on sunday.
O wrote this amazing blog on his page about the drama with my cousin and his views on religion and the pregnancy complications. I was pretty touched. check it out if you wish (though he's a bit more fearless and graphic than I am).
Saturday, October 9, 2010
bachelorette party last night
forgot to add that i went to April's bachelorette party last night. no one suspected a thing... i was mixing everyone else's drinks and just adding water to mine, so it looks like the secret is safe... for now
saturday, today
i spent an insane amount of time cleaning our bedroom in preparation of receiving a new (to us, formerly Arliss's) queen size bed. we figured it was time to upgrade from our full size and arliss was getting some wacky new memory foam business so she gave us her old one. the amount of dust in our room was staggering. i went vacuum crazy!
O went to For Eyes and ordered new glasses (finally after flushing hid down the toilet about two weeks ago) and it cost an arm and a leg. but he got a pretty good deal in general and bargained with the sales girl to get the "transition" lenses so i think it worked out. also, BIG NEWS, O got a promotion at work on friday. 8% raise (and he hasn't even been there a year yet!) I'm so proud of him. unfortunately his new position is at the other location about a 30 minute drive away, so looks like we won't be having lunch together every day anymore :( i'm SOO bummed about that.
Tomorrow is O's birthday and we're going to tell my whole fam about the little buddy. I hope everything goes well.
O went to For Eyes and ordered new glasses (finally after flushing hid down the toilet about two weeks ago) and it cost an arm and a leg. but he got a pretty good deal in general and bargained with the sales girl to get the "transition" lenses so i think it worked out. also, BIG NEWS, O got a promotion at work on friday. 8% raise (and he hasn't even been there a year yet!) I'm so proud of him. unfortunately his new position is at the other location about a 30 minute drive away, so looks like we won't be having lunch together every day anymore :( i'm SOO bummed about that.
Tomorrow is O's birthday and we're going to tell my whole fam about the little buddy. I hope everything goes well.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
PS:
it was a terrible and costly mistake to discover that etsy.com has nursery decor. OMG. i'm dying. i just want to decorate the whole nursery with trees and baby birds!
week 7
today i realized that i get the worst nausea when i don't eat. i'm trying really hard to not gain any weight in the first trimester, but today i got sicker than i have ever been because i woke up late and decided to just grab a banana on the run. ugh. so sick. so from now on i'm eating whole meals.
also yesterday i went back to the gym. i took it SO easy and only did 25 minutes on the modified legs and arms elliptical and then walked about a half a mile around the track. i actually felt great afterwards, so i think i'm back for good.
i'm starting to feel a lot more comfortable with the pregnancy now that the progesterone is giving me actual pregnancy symptoms. i took myself off "pelvic rest" on monday and i haven't had any issues with spotting or cramping.
O and i decided this week that it's a boy... i guess we'll find out in another 10 weeks
also yesterday i went back to the gym. i took it SO easy and only did 25 minutes on the modified legs and arms elliptical and then walked about a half a mile around the track. i actually felt great afterwards, so i think i'm back for good.
i'm starting to feel a lot more comfortable with the pregnancy now that the progesterone is giving me actual pregnancy symptoms. i took myself off "pelvic rest" on monday and i haven't had any issues with spotting or cramping.
O and i decided this week that it's a boy... i guess we'll find out in another 10 weeks
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
barely keeping my eyes open to write this
wow! what a weekend. I'm tired just thinking about it.
O's mom came on friday, for a fun action packed weekend. Also, I broke down and told my mom and my older sister about the baby. I knew if my cousin let it leak out they were the two who would be the most hurt, so I figured I'd just tell them and swear them to secrecy. My sister seems to be having a few slips, but I don't think anyone has noticed, and my mom has been really nice and supportive.
We had a wine and appetizer dinner party on friday night with O's mom and BF and my mom and sister. O "told" mom-in-law by handing her the sonogram pic. She seemed really excited, it was fun. It was kind of a late night and I woke up really early the next day feeling nauseous. I had to wake O up and send him to cafe sel marie for eggs and potatoes (which I was dyyyying for). Then by the time everyone else woke up around noon/one and started talking about going out to "breakfast" I was hungry again, so i ordered a short stack of buckwheat pancakes with fruit. SO good!
after brunch O took the inlaws to tour downtown, but it was so late in the afternoon (and I knew it was going to be a late night) so I opted out and went home to nap. then we went out for middle eastern food for dinner (geez, i just realized how much of this post is about food) and then we went to Give Peace a Dance.
Here's the thing- we've been going to these dance-off drum circles for ages now, and I always dance pretty much from start to finish no problem, but this one exhausted me. I went through THREE 32oz water bottles almost right away, and my muscles were SO sore the next day. it was brutal. my calves are still burning. I was practically hobbling around the next day. I don't get it. So i'm vowing to go back to the gym this week, pelvic rest or not, I can at least go swimming.
Sunday we had the wine auction. oh man, so much smelly food. I spent a lot of the day in the bathroom. I think O's mom had fun and it was nice to see everyone getting along and being all jokey. real family togetherness stuff. My dad thought it would be funny to tell a bunch of people in our church that "my son-in-law is dying for babies but my daughter won't let him have any." So i had people coming up to me all day and saying, "your dad sent me over to ask when you're going to have kids." a month ago I would have gone apeshit over this, but it was ok and i was able to laugh it off.
all in all, I think everyone had a lot of fun. O was saying that he was looking forward to having a peaceful next weekend at home, but then I reminded him how much we have going on from now until thanksgiving. between out-of-town guests, weddings and birthdays we are packed!
I read online that large doses of supplementary progesterone acts like a sedative in your body. so true. I'm so exhausted now I can barely muster up the energy to write this. Not to mention my spelling and grammar has steadily gone downhill. I don't even care. I'm just barely keeping my eyes open.
O's mom came on friday, for a fun action packed weekend. Also, I broke down and told my mom and my older sister about the baby. I knew if my cousin let it leak out they were the two who would be the most hurt, so I figured I'd just tell them and swear them to secrecy. My sister seems to be having a few slips, but I don't think anyone has noticed, and my mom has been really nice and supportive.
We had a wine and appetizer dinner party on friday night with O's mom and BF and my mom and sister. O "told" mom-in-law by handing her the sonogram pic. She seemed really excited, it was fun. It was kind of a late night and I woke up really early the next day feeling nauseous. I had to wake O up and send him to cafe sel marie for eggs and potatoes (which I was dyyyying for). Then by the time everyone else woke up around noon/one and started talking about going out to "breakfast" I was hungry again, so i ordered a short stack of buckwheat pancakes with fruit. SO good!
after brunch O took the inlaws to tour downtown, but it was so late in the afternoon (and I knew it was going to be a late night) so I opted out and went home to nap. then we went out for middle eastern food for dinner (geez, i just realized how much of this post is about food) and then we went to Give Peace a Dance.
Here's the thing- we've been going to these dance-off drum circles for ages now, and I always dance pretty much from start to finish no problem, but this one exhausted me. I went through THREE 32oz water bottles almost right away, and my muscles were SO sore the next day. it was brutal. my calves are still burning. I was practically hobbling around the next day. I don't get it. So i'm vowing to go back to the gym this week, pelvic rest or not, I can at least go swimming.
Sunday we had the wine auction. oh man, so much smelly food. I spent a lot of the day in the bathroom. I think O's mom had fun and it was nice to see everyone getting along and being all jokey. real family togetherness stuff. My dad thought it would be funny to tell a bunch of people in our church that "my son-in-law is dying for babies but my daughter won't let him have any." So i had people coming up to me all day and saying, "your dad sent me over to ask when you're going to have kids." a month ago I would have gone apeshit over this, but it was ok and i was able to laugh it off.
all in all, I think everyone had a lot of fun. O was saying that he was looking forward to having a peaceful next weekend at home, but then I reminded him how much we have going on from now until thanksgiving. between out-of-town guests, weddings and birthdays we are packed!
I read online that large doses of supplementary progesterone acts like a sedative in your body. so true. I'm so exhausted now I can barely muster up the energy to write this. Not to mention my spelling and grammar has steadily gone downhill. I don't even care. I'm just barely keeping my eyes open.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Zzzzz...
I have so many things I want to write but I'm too tired so i'm going to make this a reminder list:
-progesterone made me bonkers last night
-crazy sex dreams and I dreamt the entire score of fiddler on roof, with Arliss as Tevia
-ice pick headache
-O and religion (RCIA and faith)
-progesterone made me bonkers last night
-crazy sex dreams and I dreamt the entire score of fiddler on roof, with Arliss as Tevia
-ice pick headache
-O and religion (RCIA and faith)
baby's got heartbeat!!
got the emergency ultrasound today to make sure everything's in the right place and the baby is growing. she's measuring a little big, closer to 7 weeks so I must've ovulated early or something, but I got to see her beautiful beating heart. She's very alive and there's no weird fluids or cysts that would be causing the bleeding, so it looks like it really was just the low progesterone that was threatening the pregnancy.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
i'm trying very hard to control my hormones...
so my cousin apparently found this blog. my other blog Disgraced Life is linked to my facebook, and O follows that blog, so my cousin went to my blog through facebook and saw O followed it, so she clicked on his profile and saw that he has a blog and clicked on that, then on his blog she found the link to this blog. seems like a lot of effort to me, but i'm flattered more than anything else. did i mention this happened at 2AM?
really, ok, i get it that this is a public blog and anyone has the right to read it, but my parents and family aren't very technological so i didn't think it would be a problem. and besides, the purpose of this blog is so that other people can read it (eventually).
so she sends me this message on facebook that was very sweet and all like, "lot of women in our family go through this" and "i'm here for you" etc etc. ok, not a problem. so i sent her a message saying essentially, "O and I don't have any announcements for the family right now, so please use your discretion and respect our privacy." then i said "PS- if this gets around the family or takes away my ability to share the news i've been looking forward to sharing for a long time now, i will not be able to forgive you."
then the shit hit the fan. she was all like, "don't worry i'll avoid you from now on" so i said "don't do that, that's crazy..."
then she started updating her FB status to things like "just wanted to help and it got thrown in my face" so i sent her another message that said, "really, we're cool. no hard feelings. O and I are going through a difficult time, we don't want to discuss it. please stop making a big deal out of it" so then she ignored that and posted on our other cousin's wall "call me traci, we need to talk about something."
awesome. really fucking awsome.
isn't it just crazy that i don't want to tell my family yet?
so now my dilemma is this, this cousin is extremely dramatic and i know she's going to tell her sister, and probably our other cousin. and it's going to leak out around the family. so, do i tell my parents before i'm ready just so that i can be the one to tell them? or do i say, fuck her and keep quiet but risk my family hearing the news i've been looking forward to telling them from someone else?
hmm, decisions decisions....
really, ok, i get it that this is a public blog and anyone has the right to read it, but my parents and family aren't very technological so i didn't think it would be a problem. and besides, the purpose of this blog is so that other people can read it (eventually).
so she sends me this message on facebook that was very sweet and all like, "lot of women in our family go through this" and "i'm here for you" etc etc. ok, not a problem. so i sent her a message saying essentially, "O and I don't have any announcements for the family right now, so please use your discretion and respect our privacy." then i said "PS- if this gets around the family or takes away my ability to share the news i've been looking forward to sharing for a long time now, i will not be able to forgive you."
then the shit hit the fan. she was all like, "don't worry i'll avoid you from now on" so i said "don't do that, that's crazy..."
then she started updating her FB status to things like "just wanted to help and it got thrown in my face" so i sent her another message that said, "really, we're cool. no hard feelings. O and I are going through a difficult time, we don't want to discuss it. please stop making a big deal out of it" so then she ignored that and posted on our other cousin's wall "call me traci, we need to talk about something."
awesome. really fucking awsome.
isn't it just crazy that i don't want to tell my family yet?
so now my dilemma is this, this cousin is extremely dramatic and i know she's going to tell her sister, and probably our other cousin. and it's going to leak out around the family. so, do i tell my parents before i'm ready just so that i can be the one to tell them? or do i say, fuck her and keep quiet but risk my family hearing the news i've been looking forward to telling them from someone else?
hmm, decisions decisions....
it's so cliche, i know
but I can't get enough pickles. they're all I want to eat. I've eaten half a jar this morning...
also- HOT SAUCE omg. I now put it on everything. so good.
PS: this progesterone cream is making my hormones cray cray...
also- HOT SAUCE omg. I now put it on everything. so good.
PS: this progesterone cream is making my hormones cray cray...
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
A declaration-
so I picked up the progesterone today. $598 for 30 suppositories. Insane. Thank god we have insurance which took a nice bite out of it. I felt like a CIA operative carrying that bag out. All I kept thinking about was "what do people do who don't have insurance? Just hang on and hope they don't bleed out their baby?" How awful.
I've decided we're not going to lose the baby.
For a long time I said I didn't want kids, that we weren't ready, because I was protecting myself from the fact that I knew it was going to be hard. It was easier to not try, to let it go, to be a fun auntie and the free friend rather than manage my hormones and check my TSH and organize sex on the calender. When you deal with heartbreak after heartbreak and difficuly after difficulty it comes to define you-- this obscure "something wrong" that your doctors all postulate different reasons for and run different tests. You think of yourself as "flawed" and that begins to define you. You think, "I would rather not try than go through this again." And so you begin to imagine your life without kids. And you find ways to comfort yourself and this sense of making the best of things becomes a part of your personality. You get used to the drama, you take it in, and you even stop thinking about it all the time...
I almost feel like this spotting is the same thing. I can't accept the fact that we made it; it can't be this easy. There has to be something wrong. The drama is expected beacause that defines my experience thus far. It can't be easy. We have to earn it, right? I have to be afraid and put myself on the line. I have to get down on my knees and make deals with god because that's expected. When it all starts going south I can just comfort myself and say, "we weren't really ready to have kids anyway..."
Not anymore. I'm not afraid or embarassed to admit that I want this baby. I'm choosing to be positive, acknowledge what we're working for, and confirm that we want it. That I want it. From now on, I'm going to be positive. I'm not going to cry every day because I'm bleeding, I'm not going to be afraid. This is our baby, and I'm going to meet her in May.
I've decided we're not going to lose the baby.
For a long time I said I didn't want kids, that we weren't ready, because I was protecting myself from the fact that I knew it was going to be hard. It was easier to not try, to let it go, to be a fun auntie and the free friend rather than manage my hormones and check my TSH and organize sex on the calender. When you deal with heartbreak after heartbreak and difficuly after difficulty it comes to define you-- this obscure "something wrong" that your doctors all postulate different reasons for and run different tests. You think of yourself as "flawed" and that begins to define you. You think, "I would rather not try than go through this again." And so you begin to imagine your life without kids. And you find ways to comfort yourself and this sense of making the best of things becomes a part of your personality. You get used to the drama, you take it in, and you even stop thinking about it all the time...
I almost feel like this spotting is the same thing. I can't accept the fact that we made it; it can't be this easy. There has to be something wrong. The drama is expected beacause that defines my experience thus far. It can't be easy. We have to earn it, right? I have to be afraid and put myself on the line. I have to get down on my knees and make deals with god because that's expected. When it all starts going south I can just comfort myself and say, "we weren't really ready to have kids anyway..."
Not anymore. I'm not afraid or embarassed to admit that I want this baby. I'm choosing to be positive, acknowledge what we're working for, and confirm that we want it. That I want it. From now on, I'm going to be positive. I'm not going to cry every day because I'm bleeding, I'm not going to be afraid. This is our baby, and I'm going to meet her in May.
progesterone
Got my blood test results back yesterday afternoon. Not so good. my hCG is great for 6 weeks (nearly 10,000!) but my progesterone is dangerously low at only 9.5. I'm so pissed right now. I'm tired of everything being so hard. 14 year olds get knocked up all the time and do a bunch of drugs and have prefectly healthy pregnancies. I don't understand why every single aspect of having a child together has to be so hard for O and I. I really thought we were over the complicated stuff, the heartbreak. We made it to 6 weeks! We're supposed to be on the other side now...
I'm just so exhausted. I feel like I can't handle one more thing. I'm just exhausted. I can't think about money or housing or family or planning or anything. I just want to sleep and sleep for days and days. If I sit down for more than five minutes I fall asleep. Yesterday O had his first RCIA meeting and I came home from work planning to make him dinner before he left and the next thing I know he's waking me up to say goodbye. I'd slept for almost 2 hours. And I'm not a napper, in fact I never nap. But here I am, falling asleep on the toilet. I know I should try and limit my stress right now, especially since I'm so tired all the time, but O and I are both terrified we're going to lose the baby.
I've been spotting since saturday. and the cramps are getting worse.
So apparently the only way to try and give my progesterone a boost is by using these hormone suppositories. Sorry to get graphic here, but I basically have to stuff my hoo-ha twice a day with this crazy progesterone goo. and here I thought I was done with maxi-pads for the next 9 months... and I'm now on "pelvic rest" want to guess what that means?
That's not even the worst part, the worst part is that when I went to the pharmacy to pick it up they said they didn't have it in stock because it's so expensive. How expensive? $300 for a box of 15 suppositories.
Then I made the mistake of asking the pharmacy tech to explain what it's used for and how often because my doctor didn't really explain anything to me, just told me over the phone that I needed progesterone ASAP and she was going to call in a scrip. So what does the pharmacy tech say? "it's for infertility. you inject it in the vagina."
I can only blame what happened next on pregnancy hormones. and stress. and the fact that I'm not supposed to have to deal with any of this. "Actually," I basically yelled at her, "I'm 6 weeks pregnant. So it's definitely NOT for infertility. AND I find it really insensitive that you'd give inaccurate information to someone who is clearly having a difficult time understanding her perscription. I mean, your job's not that hard. You figure out what medicines are used for what, and you tell people that information. You don't tell someone WHO'S ALREADY PREGNANT that she needs infertility treatment, ok?"
I would have felt bad for her if she didn't look all bratty and completely unmoved. "so do you want the perscription or not? because we have to order it so it won't be here till after 4 tomorrow. In cases like this we always make sure it's within your pricepoint."
Of course I want it. What else am I supposed to do?
I'm just so exhausted. I feel like I can't handle one more thing. I'm just exhausted. I can't think about money or housing or family or planning or anything. I just want to sleep and sleep for days and days. If I sit down for more than five minutes I fall asleep. Yesterday O had his first RCIA meeting and I came home from work planning to make him dinner before he left and the next thing I know he's waking me up to say goodbye. I'd slept for almost 2 hours. And I'm not a napper, in fact I never nap. But here I am, falling asleep on the toilet. I know I should try and limit my stress right now, especially since I'm so tired all the time, but O and I are both terrified we're going to lose the baby.
I've been spotting since saturday. and the cramps are getting worse.
So apparently the only way to try and give my progesterone a boost is by using these hormone suppositories. Sorry to get graphic here, but I basically have to stuff my hoo-ha twice a day with this crazy progesterone goo. and here I thought I was done with maxi-pads for the next 9 months... and I'm now on "pelvic rest" want to guess what that means?
That's not even the worst part, the worst part is that when I went to the pharmacy to pick it up they said they didn't have it in stock because it's so expensive. How expensive? $300 for a box of 15 suppositories.
Then I made the mistake of asking the pharmacy tech to explain what it's used for and how often because my doctor didn't really explain anything to me, just told me over the phone that I needed progesterone ASAP and she was going to call in a scrip. So what does the pharmacy tech say? "it's for infertility. you inject it in the vagina."
I can only blame what happened next on pregnancy hormones. and stress. and the fact that I'm not supposed to have to deal with any of this. "Actually," I basically yelled at her, "I'm 6 weeks pregnant. So it's definitely NOT for infertility. AND I find it really insensitive that you'd give inaccurate information to someone who is clearly having a difficult time understanding her perscription. I mean, your job's not that hard. You figure out what medicines are used for what, and you tell people that information. You don't tell someone WHO'S ALREADY PREGNANT that she needs infertility treatment, ok?"
I would have felt bad for her if she didn't look all bratty and completely unmoved. "so do you want the perscription or not? because we have to order it so it won't be here till after 4 tomorrow. In cases like this we always make sure it's within your pricepoint."
Of course I want it. What else am I supposed to do?
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Don't read this if you're related to me- it'll just be awkward
Had my first "Erotic" pregnancy dream last night. I keep hearing about them on the message boards and how amazing they are.
Here's the thing- it didn't star George Clooney or Brad Pitt or Matt Damon. Nope, it was Scarlett Johansson.
It was a pretty hot dream, just Scarlett and I in a hotel room.
What's funny is throughout the whole dream I kept thinking, "man! this is so hot! I wish O could watch it- he'd be going crazy!"
See, even in my lusty dreams I'm a good wife.
Here's the thing- it didn't star George Clooney or Brad Pitt or Matt Damon. Nope, it was Scarlett Johansson.
It was a pretty hot dream, just Scarlett and I in a hotel room.
What's funny is throughout the whole dream I kept thinking, "man! this is so hot! I wish O could watch it- he'd be going crazy!"
See, even in my lusty dreams I'm a good wife.
scary weekend, long post
oh man, what a bad weekend. it started on friday when I woke up feeling great. Now ordinarily that would be a good thing, but when you're newly pregnant you don't have a lot to go on to assume everything is going accord to plan inside of you. So you kind of gauge how pregnant you are based on how awful you feel and how many "symptoms" you have (i know, this is an incredibly stupid system, more on that later though).
So when I woke up on friday and did a quick inventory I felt a little nervous because 1. I wasn't at all nauseated 2. my boobs didn't hurt at all and I was even able to put on a bra without wincing and 3. I put on my old jeans no problem, no bloating muffin top issues at all. All day I kept expecting to get sick or nauseous or something, but nada. Saturday same thing. Saturday afternoon O realized I felt stressed and sent me out shopping while he cleaned the apartment (I know, he's unreal). I had a great afternoon, everything went fine, then I came home and went to the bathroom and realized I was "spotting". Cue freakout. I can't even really explain what happened, I basically started crying and freaking out. I called Arliss sobbing and she immediately rushed over with some pee stick pregnancy tests to make sure I was still pregnant (only a great friend will rush over with pregnancy tests on a saturday night) and I spent the rest of the weekend crying and making deals with god.
Here's what's funny about this whole thing. O and I had a long talk last week about how I'm just going to take this pregnancy thing one day at a time. I was very zen about the whole thing, I said if I lose it, there's nothing they can do at 6 weeks anyway so I should just be grateful for every day I get. I said I didn't want a million ultasounds showing a blob on a blank screen, I was going to be rational and wait and be hopeful. My ObGyn considers me "high risk" because I've got hypothyroidism and I've had chemical pregnancies, and I'm very overweight. She wanted to do a "dating" ultrasound at 6 weeks (even though I know when I had my last period) and then do (what O and I considered) an excessive amount of ultrasounds and bloodwork. My last TSH draw showed that my thyroid hormone was at .9 (that's right, POINT9, not even 1) which is great. but because of previous bloodwork and other things I've talked to her about including a family history of Hashimoto's (which I didn't end up getting tested for because I got pregnant) she wanted to "play it safe".
ANYWAY, all of this medical stuff is stupid and boring. What it comes down to is that I really wasn't feeling a highly monitored pregnancy which is why we switched to a midwife.
Of course all of that was fine when everything was going great. Wanna guess what the first thing I wanted when I started spotting was? Oh yeah, a highly monitored pregnancy.
I decided if I wasn't spotting on sunday I'd just call it a weird lark, maybe delayed implantation spotting and leave it at that. Then, on sunday we went over to my parents house for rachael and joe's birthdays and it started up again. with some bad cramps. and I got all freaked out again. Made worse by the fact that we haven't told my family yet and everyone kept saying I looked "tired.
So of course first thing on monday I called my 'ol ObGyn. Who didn't flinch when I started crying while she was giving me a pelvic exam. She ordered some blood tests and an ultrasound but said that my cervix was tightly closed and the bleeding was minimal. No sign of an impending miscarriage.
sigh of relief.
That's the thing about pregnancy. It's like you develop 2 different brains. You have your very rational adult brain that says things like, "one cup of coffee a day is not going to kill your fetus" and "exercise is good for you while pregnant" and "that's totally normal! you read about it in the pregnancy books, remember?" but then you also have this hormonal, irrational pregnant woman brain that says things like "cramping? oh yeah definitely having a miscarriage" and "why would you trade the life of your unborn child for a cold cut sandwich and a cup of coffee?" It sounds crazy to an outsider I know, and believe me, I'm normally pretty laid back about most things. But I've never seen my husband so happy, and we worked so hard for this baby... I almost feel like I can't do anything right. I'm afraid to move, I'm afraid to eat or drink anything. I terrified all the time that this is going to get taken away from us again.
So yeah, I know you're probably reading this and think I sound like a maniac, and I know I do. But I can't help it and I can only blame so much of it on the hormones...
on to week six
So when I woke up on friday and did a quick inventory I felt a little nervous because 1. I wasn't at all nauseated 2. my boobs didn't hurt at all and I was even able to put on a bra without wincing and 3. I put on my old jeans no problem, no bloating muffin top issues at all. All day I kept expecting to get sick or nauseous or something, but nada. Saturday same thing. Saturday afternoon O realized I felt stressed and sent me out shopping while he cleaned the apartment (I know, he's unreal). I had a great afternoon, everything went fine, then I came home and went to the bathroom and realized I was "spotting". Cue freakout. I can't even really explain what happened, I basically started crying and freaking out. I called Arliss sobbing and she immediately rushed over with some pee stick pregnancy tests to make sure I was still pregnant (only a great friend will rush over with pregnancy tests on a saturday night) and I spent the rest of the weekend crying and making deals with god.
Here's what's funny about this whole thing. O and I had a long talk last week about how I'm just going to take this pregnancy thing one day at a time. I was very zen about the whole thing, I said if I lose it, there's nothing they can do at 6 weeks anyway so I should just be grateful for every day I get. I said I didn't want a million ultasounds showing a blob on a blank screen, I was going to be rational and wait and be hopeful. My ObGyn considers me "high risk" because I've got hypothyroidism and I've had chemical pregnancies, and I'm very overweight. She wanted to do a "dating" ultrasound at 6 weeks (even though I know when I had my last period) and then do (what O and I considered) an excessive amount of ultrasounds and bloodwork. My last TSH draw showed that my thyroid hormone was at .9 (that's right, POINT9, not even 1) which is great. but because of previous bloodwork and other things I've talked to her about including a family history of Hashimoto's (which I didn't end up getting tested for because I got pregnant) she wanted to "play it safe".
ANYWAY, all of this medical stuff is stupid and boring. What it comes down to is that I really wasn't feeling a highly monitored pregnancy which is why we switched to a midwife.
Of course all of that was fine when everything was going great. Wanna guess what the first thing I wanted when I started spotting was? Oh yeah, a highly monitored pregnancy.
I decided if I wasn't spotting on sunday I'd just call it a weird lark, maybe delayed implantation spotting and leave it at that. Then, on sunday we went over to my parents house for rachael and joe's birthdays and it started up again. with some bad cramps. and I got all freaked out again. Made worse by the fact that we haven't told my family yet and everyone kept saying I looked "tired.
So of course first thing on monday I called my 'ol ObGyn. Who didn't flinch when I started crying while she was giving me a pelvic exam. She ordered some blood tests and an ultrasound but said that my cervix was tightly closed and the bleeding was minimal. No sign of an impending miscarriage.
sigh of relief.
That's the thing about pregnancy. It's like you develop 2 different brains. You have your very rational adult brain that says things like, "one cup of coffee a day is not going to kill your fetus" and "exercise is good for you while pregnant" and "that's totally normal! you read about it in the pregnancy books, remember?" but then you also have this hormonal, irrational pregnant woman brain that says things like "cramping? oh yeah definitely having a miscarriage" and "why would you trade the life of your unborn child for a cold cut sandwich and a cup of coffee?" It sounds crazy to an outsider I know, and believe me, I'm normally pretty laid back about most things. But I've never seen my husband so happy, and we worked so hard for this baby... I almost feel like I can't do anything right. I'm afraid to move, I'm afraid to eat or drink anything. I terrified all the time that this is going to get taken away from us again.
So yeah, I know you're probably reading this and think I sound like a maniac, and I know I do. But I can't help it and I can only blame so much of it on the hormones...
on to week six
Monday, September 27, 2010
dear librarian...
... I know I come here often, and I'm flattered you recognize me and we have a chatty relationship, but please- for the love of god- do not feel free to comment on my pregnancy books, talk about how natural childbirth is weird, flip through the pages, comment on how gross that looks, ask me why I want to do it that way and then loudly ask when I'm due and add that with all that acne, I'm definitely having a girl.
And here I was thinking that my skin is clearing up...
And here I was thinking that my skin is clearing up...
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